Dr. Cox: Tell me this, how's that super sexy mother of yours?
Ron: You know what, your crush on my mom was cute when we were 14, but the woman's 85 now. You need to back off. Or you can ask her out to dinner. I'll have her pop in her "going out" teeth and you two can see if there's any real spark.

Ron: Will you be joining us for dinner?
Jordan: No way. Every time we go out, the whole night turns into a giant pissing contest.
Dr. Cox: No, it doesn't.
[flashback to Dr. Cox and Ron literally engaging in a pissing content:]
Dr. Cox: First one who tags the dog, wins.
Ron: Count it. [dog barks]
[present:]
Dr. Cox: I've seen that dog around the neighborhood. I think we killed its spirit.
Ron: Yeah.

Dr. Cox: Say, Ronnie, what say we let the kids play for a while? They could probably play with, oh, I don't know, how about the building blocks that Jack very, very rarely ever even touches?
Ron: You know, Nathan is actually in the 90th percentile in height.
Dr. Cox: Jack's only in the 85th. Of course, he's in the 99th for head size.
Ron: Congratulations. Your son's the Hamburglar.
Dr. Cox: Head size is directly related to intelligence.
Ron: Really?
Dr. Cox: [whistles] Jack, get the bucket off.

Jordan: Look, Perry, we just have to accept Jack the way he is, love him unconditionally, and enroll him in some sort of block-building class.
Dr. Cox: Look at these things, Jordan.
Jordan: Yeah?
Dr. Cox: The color coordination, the the symmetry. A two-year-old shouldn't be able to do this kind of stuff.
Jordan: What are you trying to say?
Dr. Cox: Nathan has classic signs of autism.

Dr. Cox: Ron's kid doesn't make eye contact, he barely speaks, and he freaked out when you tried to cuddle him. I mean, hell, if he was an adult, he'd be, well, you know, me. But those behaviors in a child could point towards autism. I think it's pretty obvious what we have to do.
Jordan: Grit our teeth, get through the weekend, never speak to Ron again?
Dr. Cox: Exactly.

Elliot: I cannot believe what I just heard.
Dr. Cox: The ticktocking of your biological clock leading you towards the corner of celibate and spinster way?
Jordan: Sometimes it's great to already have a bastard child.
Dr. Cox: You said it.
Elliot: You know, it is our obligation as doctors to tell someone when there is a problem. And I will bring a child into this world when I am good and ready, not when society dictates I must. [sniffs Jordan] Good god, you smell like baby.

Carla: We should ask him back.
Turk: Baby, no. We're too proud. We are the proud Turks.

Ed McMahon: Yeah?
J.D.: Does Doug Murphy live here?
Ed McMahon: The pathologist?
J.D.: Yeah.
Ed McMahon: No. He moved out. [picks up giant check] Excuse me. I gotta go change somebody's life.
Dr. Kelso: Okay but, Mr. McMahon, would you mind...
Ed McMahon: Hi-oh!
J.D.: You are correct, sir!

Ron: What's up?
Dr. Cox: Ron, there is no easy way to do this, so I'm just gonna go ahead and say it. I think Nathan is autistic. And that's the real reason that I wanted to spend time with him today.
Ron: This is- This is unbelievable.
Dr. Cox: I know, but the good news here is that we found out early, so you can be as proactive as you-
Ron: No, no, no. You are unbelievable. I mean you can't handle the fact that my kid is better than your kid at building blocks, so you tell me there's something wrong with him?! You know what, uh, why don't you just get the hell out of here, hmm?
Dr. Cox: That's just not gonna happen. No way.

Dr. Cox: [v.o.] At first I was a little disappointed that I wasn't sleeping at Kylie's, but it was good to be home.
J.D.: I'm home! Hello, fridge. Good to see ya, lamp. Here I come, couch! [falls] You guys moved couch?
J.D.: [v.o.] It's always nice to let your friends know that you appreciate them.
Turk: I'm glad you're home, buddy.
J.D.: I missed you, my African-American friend.
Turk: Call me brown bear.
J.D.: Brown bear.