Dr. Cox: All right, Jack, listen to me. Ron's in the bathroom diapering his kid. When he gets out, it's playtime. And, son, lately your coloring's been sloppy and your Elmo song well, unfortunately, it's lacked heart. Now you and I, we both know that your super-secret go-to toy are your building blocks. Well, it's time to shine, Jackie Cox. It is time to shine. Earn Daddy's love on 3. 1,2,3.
Ron: Twenty-second diaper change.
Dr. Cox: I can change a diaper in 20 seconds.
Jordan: Oh, my god.

J.D.: Hello? Anybody home?
Carla: J.D., we're right here.
J.D.: [v.o.] Tell them you want to come back.
J.D.: I just came by to get my toothbrush.
Turk: Carla took your toothbrush out the bathroom and put it in the hall closet.
J.D.: Finger.
Turk: Bingo.

J.D.: Hey, guys, the heater's broken again. What happened?
J.D.: [v.o.] I clubbed it with a mag light.
J.D.: I can probably stay and fix it. It could take 3, 4, 5 days.
Turk: I did a triple bypass yesterday. I think I could fix the heater.
J.D.: Suit yourself. Bye, trumpet player I don't know. Now I understand why your music is so sad.

Lonnie: Sorry, bro. We're a little crowded tonight.
J.D.: Lonnie, you have 3 kids?
Lonnie: That I know of.

Turk: Baby? Could you get me a towel so I could wipe this sweat from my head?
Carla: They're all dirty, okay? J.D. used to wash them.
Turk: It's so hot! When the hell is he gonna finish fixing the heater?!
Carla: It's okay. He's a professional. I'm sure he's almost done.
Janitor: [holding a large section of pipe] This should not have been removed.

Kylie: Todd made you wear a banana hammock to bed?
J.D.: It was horrible. I kept imagining I was an Olympic diver.

Carla: J.D.! We're sorry. The door was unlocked, and we knew you'd be here. We want you back.
J.D.: I don't want to come home. It took me a month to get here from the couch.
Kylie: Uh, J.D., maybe you should go home.
J.D.: [v.o.] Get the moment back! Say something hot!
J.D.: Perhaps we could invite Turk and Carla to join us on the bed. ... I'll go.

Elliot: I think it is so great that you're gonna talk to your friend. And I know it's gonna be hard, so if you need me, you just say the word, and I will jump right in.
Dr. Cox: I need to talk to you about Nathan.
Ron: That little guy's my life.
Elliot: I've gotta go.

J.D.: Behold, the Twinkie from the first day we moved in. I owe you an apology, Turk. Splitsies?
Turk: Of course. [to Carla] Want some?
Carla: No.
Turk: Okay, fine. More for me.
Carla: So, Bambi, what's the deal with all the things you do around here?
J.D.: What do you mean?
Carla: The laundry, the fixing the radiator, the listening to me gossip, and playing stupid games with Turk. How do you make yourself do all that stuff?
J.D.: [v.o.] At the end of the day, the best thing to do for your friends is to be honest.
J.D.: I don't know. I never really thought about it. I guess when you care about someone, you'll do whatever you can to make 'em happy. You know, it's funny. You guys couldn't go one week alone with each other without needing J.Dizzle around. What is up with that?
J.D.: [v.o.] You just have to hope that your honesty doesn't make them realize something they didn't wanna know.
Carla: We're in trouble, aren't we?
Turk: Yeah.