Turk: Look at them. Like two wolves gabbing about which sheep to eat. Unfortunately for them, I'm a man.
Carla: Turk.
Turk: Coming.

Turk: Okay, you guys, leave him alone. I've had enough of you two conspiring and whatnot. It ends now!
Margaret Turk: It is so cute when he thinks he's in charge.
Carla: I know. It kills me.
J.D.: [v.o.] And that's when it happened.
Carla: You should see him prance around when I pretend to let...
Both: him make a decision!
J.D.: [v.o.] That's when Carla realized she was exactly like Turk's mom.

J.D.: [v.o.] I probably should've woken him up to say goodbye considering he'd be gone before I got home. I told myself I wanted to let the old guy get some sleep, but even I didn't believe that.

Lily Reid: Honey, you keep eating that, there won't be anything left for a man to put a ring on.
Elliot: Mom I started therapy.
Lily Reid: Do you know that Amy Swanson's marrying Drew Gertson? Drew is such a nice boy.
Elliot: Drew used to hold people down and spit in their mouths.
Lily Reid: He doesn't do that anymore.

Elliot: Mom, when I was a little girl, did I want to be a doctor? Maybe I used a toy stethoscope on one of my dolls?
Lily Reid: Oh, honey, you'd have to ask the nanny.
Elliot: Have you ever reached a point in your life when you really wished you knew how you got there?
Lily Reid: Are you trying to tell me you're a lesbian?
Elliot: Yes, I am. Yep. That's exactly- Exactly what I'm saying, Mom.

Turk: All right, look, Elliot, at the presentation, could I do the ending? Because I really love the end of our paper.
Elliot: Do you think that I'm cut out to be a doctor?
Turk: OK, fine. You can do the ending. I just want to say, "Thanks, folks. We've been great." I'm serious.

Elliot: I'm serious. Do you think this is what I really want to do?
Turk: Elliot, I don't know.
Elliot: You can tell me. I can take it.
Turk: No, Elliot, I'm saying "I don't know" because I really don't know. What the hell is going on here? Why have all women gone crazy?
Elliot: [to herself] I'm not crazy. Am I? No. Shh. It's OK, Elliot. You're normal. You're normal.

Carla: I just freaked out because your mom and I have all this stuff in common.
Turk: So?
Carla: I don't know. I got this crazy idea that you only fell for me because I'm just like your mom.
Turk: Baby. That's exactly why I fell for you.
Carla: OK. I'll probably have a friend pick up my stuff.
Turk: Wait. Sit down. What's wrong with wanting to be someone because they're smart, independent and always looking out for you? OK?
Carla: Yeah. But if we ever get married, we're gonna have to talk about this in therapy.
Turk: Relax. I don't do this with my mama.
Carla: I hope not.
Turk: Oh, yeah, Mama.
Carla: Oh, that's just wrong.
Turk: Oh, Mama.

J.D.: Hey, Dad.
Sam Dorian: Hey, there he is. I thought you had to work all day.
J.D.: You know, I did, but I got someone to cover for me because I wanted to make sure I caught you and let you know how cool it was to see you.
Sam Dorian: Really?
J.D.: Yeah.
Sam Dorian: Wow, I... [clears throat] Well, listen, I'm, you know, I have to travel a lot lately, so l'm sure I'll be back in this region again soon. So I could swing back out and see you.
J.D.: That'd be great.
Sam Dorian: Great.
Both: Great.
Sam Dorian: I'd be happy to see you.
J.D.: Yeah, we could do that.

J.D.: I can see you've been taking advantage of the farting policy.
Sam Dorian: Hey. Pull my finger.
J.D.: I'm not gonna pull your finger.
Sam Dorian: Pull my finger. See what happens. I pooed a little.