Turk: Help has arrived! Help has arrived.
Elliot: Turkleton.
J.D.: [v.o.] And then Turk said what every surgeon says when he's not sure what to do.
Turk: Hmm. Mind if I slice you open?
Mr. Peele: [screams]
Turk: [screams] Uncool!

Turk: Elliot turfed this chronic pain patient to me. I have no idea what's wrong with him, so I have to do exploratory surgery.
J.D.: [v.o.] I always wondered what exploratory surgery was like.
[fantasy:]
Turk: I've made the first incision. I'm going in.
[Turk jumps into the patient's surgical cavity:]
Turk: Nurse, hat! Colon. Why'd it have to be the colon? Removing the golden tumor.
[As darts start flying, Turk pops his head out of the cavity.]
Turk: Ladies.
[The nurses, covered in darts, fall down]
Turk: They knew the risks.
[reality:]
J.D.: Watch out for colon darts.

Turk: Where's the donut truck? I got paged there was a donut truck out here.
Elliot: I got paged there was a handbag sample sale.
Todd: Where's the booby-touching booth?
J.D.: It's weird. It's like everyone was lured out here by the thing they want most.
Dr. Cox: Hey, you're not getting your ass kicked.
Dr. Kelso: Hold the phone! Look! Bleachers! Ladder! Bucket of combs! She's trying to take the picture. Scatter!

Carla: I don't know why you did it, but I know it was you.
Janitor: How?
Carla: Because it's always you.
Janitor: It's not always me!
[Dr. Kelso screams as he stumbles down the hallway behind the Janitor and crashes]
Dr. Kelso: Who the hell put tiny wheels on my shoes?
Janitor: Well, that's his fault. He took a nap in the lounge.

Elliot: Frick! It's Mrs. Peele! One of us has to talk to her.
Turk: Okay, first one to chug their Slushee is off the hook. Come on! Here we go! [Screams] Brain freeze!
Mrs. Peele: Why is my husband being discharged?
Elliot: Look, Mrs. Peele, we really could not-
Turk: [piercing scream]
Elliot: Turk, come on!
Turk: It's so cold!

Elliot: Mrs. Peele, even though Dr. Turk is currently incapacitated by his cherry-flavored beverage, he is a fantastic surgeon.
Turk: Uh-huh.
Elliot: And he didn't find anything. And I am a great doctor-
Turk: [wavering hand]
Elliot: Don't you think that maybe the pain could all be in his head?
Mrs. Peele: Last week, we were all watching TV and he was in too much pain to get up and use the bathroom, so he soiled himself on the couch right in front of our son. How do you explain that?
Turk: Maybe there was a good game on television.
Elliot: Probably not.

J.D.: Mrs. Wilk, I'm sorry. Mrs. Wilk, I just wanted to say I was wrong to think you wouldn't want to try every possible treatment there is to avoid, you know the place with... You know, there's clouds and the Space Needle... Seattle.
Mrs. Wilk: Yes, you were. But thank you.
J.D.: You're welcome. You got a lot of pluck for an older gal.
Mrs. Wilk: How old do you think I am?
J.D.: Jambalaya!

Dr. Cox: Say, Newbie, I, uh, I gotta hand it to you. It took the heart of a lion to apologize to Mrs. Wilk like that.
J.D.: Thank you.
Dr. Cox: Of course, it took the incompetence of a bewildered jackass to make that error to begin with. You never make assumptions based on your own perceptions. Just never do it.
J.D.: Really? You've been spending a lot of time treating my guy, Mr. Jenkins, right?
Dr. Cox: Yeah, he's a Vietnam veteran. He deserves as much.
J.D.: Yeah, actually he's just a homeless guy. I made up the war veteran story to motivate my boys. But, what are you gonna do? [Dr. Cox's warning light starts blinking] Oh, come on. You've gotten me like 100 times. I finally got you once. It was bound to happen, right?
Dr. Cox: I see your point. Kindly blow it out your ass.

J.D.: Yeah, it hurt. But when you accept the keys to the hog, you become a lifetime member of the danger club.
Excuse me, fine ladies, but I've got lives to save.
Elliot: Oh! Ronald's gonna be mad.
J.D.: Yeah, well, he's six. What's he gonna do? Kick my ass?
J.D.: [v.o.] Again?

J.D.: [v.o.] After four years here, I'm finally comfortable helping myself to the nurses' muffin basket. Mmm. Blueberry-cran-carrot-zucchini poppy-seed-chocolate-chip.