Dr. Cox: Hand over your stethoscope.
J.D.: What?
Dr. Cox: In victory, I get your stethoscope. It's a trophy. You're lucky we're not back in olden times, I'd have made a necklace out of your teeth.
J.D.: I find this highly unprofessional.
Dr. Cox: Now, I'm going to check on Mr. Jenkins, your war hero. I feel he, too, deserves a competent doctor. In fact, I'm gonna take all of your patients. And consequently, your only reason for getting out of that lacy, over-pillowed, four-poster virgin cocoon you call a bed every morning.

J.D.: Gotta get Mrs. Wilk back.
[Mrs. Wilk sees J.D. looking at her and closes the shades with a remote]
J.D.: Who gave her a shade remote? I didn't even know we had shade remotes.

Janitor: Aw, either your picture didn't come out, or we're full of vampire doctors.
J.D.: [v.o.] Vampire doctors? How did he hear about my screenplay?

Carla: Why would you ruin this for me? I mean, I didn't even ask you to be there.
Janitor: Imagine that. I've been working here 13 years, and I guess don't rate as part of the family.
Carla: Did you want to be in the picture?
Janitor: No. It's just- I don't- Who- It's- I gotta go.
Dr. Kelso: [slides by] I actually love these.

Carla: How am I supposed to know the Janitor has feelings?
Elliot: We should've believed Mr. Peele. I mean, it's not like somebody poos their pants for no reason.
J.D.: Turk did that in college on a bet.
Turk: Carla did not know that story. Thank you.