J.D.: I was paged.
Carla: Aw, first day, Bambi?
J.D.: Yeah.
Carla: Carla will take care of you. Don't look at me when we're moving someone.
J.D.: Why?
[J.D. walks into a light fixture and falls to the ground]

Elliot: I'm Elliot.
Turk: [as E.T.] Ell-i-ot.
Elliot: Yeah, don't do that.

J.D.: [v.o.] "Why not?" That's what she said. "Why not?"
[fantasy scene: J.D. imagines himself and Elliot in a family sitcom on the TV in the break room:]
Boy: Daddy, why did you marry Mommy?
J.D.: Well, Tiger, I gave her an answer during rounds and she screwed my brains out. [audience laughter]
Boy: You're the man.
[After the boy walks away, Elliot rips open her top and climbs on J.D. The TV audience whoops. J.D. then imagines Dr. Cox wheeling a patient into the house.]
Dr. Cox: What the hell are you doing?
[record scratches; reality]

Nurse Roberts: I need to see you in Mr. Burski's room.
J.D.: Are you flirting with me? You are, aren't you?
[later:]
Nurse Roberts: He crashed. The attending thinks it was a pulmonary embolism. No way anyone could've caught it. Anyhow, you have to pronounce him.
J.D.: Why didn't anybody page me?
Nurse Roberts: Could you just pronounce him so I can go home?

Dr. Kelso: OK, gang, I'm Dr. Bob Kelso, and I'm your Chief of Medicine, so I just want to encourage you all to think of me as your safety net. Because I promise you, we're a family here. Now, then, go get 'em, doctors.

Turk: So, the surgical interns are gonna go grab a beer.
J.D.: The medical interns are having a Pac-Man tournament. Apparently, we're all twelve.
Elliot: I love Pac-Man.
J.D.: Me, too. I love watching it, I love playing it, I love all of it.

Elliot: So, every male in my family is a doctor. My dad, my grandad, my brother. That's why Dad gave me a guy's name, made me play sports, and date girls. Joking.
J.D.: I know. I would've laughed if you'd paused.
Elliot: Anyway, I know what you're thinking.
J.D.: [v.o.] Your butt looks like two Pringles hugging.
J.D.: No, you don't.
Elliot: I'm probably Miss "Hyper-Competitive." I mean, it used to be a big problem for me. Used to. Past tense.
J.D.: Hey, are we, like, racing?
Elliot: Yes!

Carla: Okay, Bambi, here's Mrs. Lenzer's tox screen.
J.D.: [v.o.] I wonder if Turk is having the same experience I am?
Turk: I am such a stud.
J.D.: Probably not.
Turk: This morning, I had my hands inside of a guy's chest. I couldn't even see them. I should not be allowed to do stuff like that. [to Carla] Wassup?
J.D.: And you weren't scared?
Turk: One way or another, everyone stops bleeding. That is so deep.
Carla: No, it isn't.
Turk: It's a little deep.

Turk: J.D., this is my man Todd.
Todd: What's goin'
J.D.: [v.o.] And just like that, I was back in high school. You see, surgical interns, they're all slice 'em and dice 'em.
Medical interns, we're trained to think about the body. Diagnose, test. And medical interns, well...
Todd: You got a stain.
J.D.: [v.o.] We're the chess club.

Dr. Kelso: Welcome to rounds, kids.
J.D.: [v.o.] Elliot is the only thing keeping me from losing my mind. She is my dream girl.
Dr. Kelso: The necrosis and infected stool most likely indicate what, Dr. Dorian?
[fantasy: J.D. is wearing antlers on a dark road as he's caught in the headlights of a trailer-truck]
Elliot: [whispers] I don't know.
J.D.: Sir, I have no idea.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, can you help him out?
Elliot: I'd say it's superior mesenteric insufficiency.
[fantasy: J.D., wearing the antlers, is knocked down by the trailer-truck]
Dr. Kelso: That's my girl. Patient number two.
J.D.: [mocking] "Superior mesenteric"