Dr. Cox: You're worried about being on call tonight.
J.D.: Yeah.
Dr. Cox: Look, worst-case scenario, you kill somebody, and that hangs over your head the rest of your life. But that is the absolute worst-case scenario. Come on, Newbie. Just have the nurses do all the stuff you're still too chicken to do, which is everything, and if you have a really rough admission...
J.D.: Call you?
Dr. Cox: No! I was gonna say go hide in the closet again.

J.D.: [v.o.] I don't get it. If he's the jerk, then who's the good guy? [pager beeps]
Carla: Car accident. Crashed on the way up.
Dr. Cox: You gotta relieve the pressure on his chest. J.D., do it.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, God, no.
Dr. Cox: Look at me. You can do this.
J.D.: [v.o.] And I believed him. [high-pitched, out loud] Chest tube tray. [v.o.] You know, kind of.
Dr. Cox: Come on, baby, let's go. Chop. Chop.
J.D.: [v.o.] You can do this. You have to do this.
Dr. Cox: J.D., cut him or lose him.
J.D.: Okay, give me the tube. I can't get through the pleura.
Dr. Cox: Well, don't be gentle, get it in there.
J.D.: Okay, connect it, please, Carla.
Carla: Normal rhythm.
J.D.: No way!
Dr. Cox: See, it's a piece of cake. It's your patient.
J.D.: You're leaving?
Dr. Cox: That's your patient, doctor.
[Dr. Cox goes to pat J.D. on the shoulder and thinks the better of it]

J.D.: [v.o.] You see, I can't survive on my own.
Dr. Jeffrey Steadman: I'm a dork. A dork. I'm a dork.
J.D.: [v.o.] Even now, when I get to go home, I'll know the hospital's still here, wide awake.
Carla: Bambi, get out while you still can.
J.D.: [v.o.] But what the hell. The important thing is I got through my first three days without looking like a complete idiot. [walks into glass door, falls to the ground] I'm the man.

J.D.: [v.o.] Since I was a kid, I've been able to sleep through anything. Storms, sirens, you name it. Last night, I didn't sleep. I guess I get a little goofy when I'm nervous. You see, today isn't just any other day. It's my first day.
J.D.: I'm the man.
J.D.: [v.o.] And three years of pre-med and four years of med school have made me realize one thing...
Nurse: Good. Could you go drop an NG tube on the patient in 234 and then call the attending?
J.D.: [v.o.] I don't know Jack.

J.D.: You know how I'm down with the rap music?
Turk: Dude, be whiter.
J.D.: [v.o.] Chris Turk's my best friend. We roomed together in college and med school. Hell, we even got accepted by the same hospital.
J.D.: Here's the thing. Tupac, DMX, Dr. Dre, in most of their songs, they use an extremely volatile racial slur. The "N" word.
Turk: I got it.
J.D.: Right. My question is this: if we're both singing along, and knowing that I would otherwise never use the word, am I allowed to say-
Turk: No.
J.D.: See, that's good for me to know. I didn't know that.

Dr. Jeffrey Steadman: Elliot Reid? John Dorian? Great. One, I am your resident, Dr. Jeffrey Steadman. Not "Jeff'. Two, here are your manuals.
J.D.: You ever notice how quickly some people make an impression?
[fantasy:]
Dr. Jeffrey Steadman: I am a tool. I am a tool. I am a tool, tool, tool. An unbelievably annoying tool.
[reality:] J.D.: Yeah.
Dr. Jeffrey Steadman: Yeah. Finally, these are your beepers. From now on, they control your entire life. Thanks. Okay? Move it.

Carla: We're waiting for Dr. Cox.
J.D.: Hi, doctor, I'm-
Dr. Cox: Place an IV for me.
J.D.: We'll talk later.

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian, can you tell me what ailment most often...
J.D.: [v.o.] I think I'm gonna love rounds. It's like being on a game show.
J.D.: What is uraemia?
Dr. Kelso: That's my boy.

[in a packed elevator:]
Mr. Burski: I just had bad gas. What are you testing me for?
J.D.: We need to know if your gas could be harmful to others.

Mr. Burski: So, what's it like being a young hotshot doctor?
J.D.: It's like... Did you ever go see a movie everyone told you was great and because of all the expectations, you ended up totally disappointed?
Mr. Burski: Movies nowadays have too many special effects.
J.D.: Yeah, that was pretty much my point.