Janitor: That good/evil thing was in my head because I was watching Unbreakable by Muh. Night Shyamalan.
J.D.: It's "M. Night", you- You don't say "Muh Night". It's- It's M. Night, no Muh.
Janitor: No, it's Muh. Like Cee. Thomas Howell or Fff. Murray Abraham.
J.D.: Don't think so.
Janitor: No Muh?
J.D.: No Muh.
Janitor: Well, that's funny. 'cause we've bowling the other night, and he says, "Man, no one ever says my name right." I said, "Muh, you've got two bigger problems than that. One of them is that seven/ten split you left for yourself. And the other one is, how about trying to write a movie without a big twist ending." Well, he took offence, got pissy, wouldn't talk me for a good hour, but he loosened up on the hay ride.

J.D.: It's a book of all your rants. I always wrote them down.
Dr. Cox: Wow.
J.D.: Check it out. It's leather-bound. I did the calligraphy. The number next to each passage is a rating system from 1 to 5, depending on how much that particular rant hurt me emotionally. One being something I could easily shrug off, and 5 being something that still makes me want to cut myself.
Jordan: Oh, look: "The only way you could be less productive right now is if you were, in fact, the wall on what you're leaning against."
J.D.: That one used to be a five, but now it's a four. I still well up when I think about it, but now I can fall asleep after.

J.D.: [v.o.] I'm so bummed about Mrs. Stonewater, I totally spaced and forgot what's wrong with Benjamin here. Is he the one with the broken ribs? Nope. Maybe he is the guy with sinus polyps? I don't think there is any polyps, but he definitely has some oily skin issues. I should try him onto that dynamite apricot scrub I stole from Elliot. Oh, come on. Focus. I suppose I could go get his chart, but I left it all the way downstairs. Come on, man, you got eight years of medical experience. Use it. Maybe you can smell it out I want to say it smells like non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. What are you doing? You don't know what any diseases smell like. Ah, to hell with it.
J.D.: What do you have again?
Man: Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.
J.D.: Of course you do, you reek of it. I'm sorry.
J.D.: [v.o.] See, Benjamin understands that you're human, that you're having kind of an overwhelming day. Give him a smile, as a thank you.
Man: I want a new doctor.
J.D.: Uh, no, I've been working my butt off taking care of you for the last two weeks, so I'm afraid the answer is "no", Benjamin.
Man: My name is Roger.
J.D.: I'll get you a new doctor.

Dr. Kelso: So what the hell did you think leaving this place was gonna be like?
J.D.: Well, I guess I felt there would be a lot of heartfelt goodbyes. When I was finally ready to leave, it'd be like one of those great old sitcom finales.
[fantasy: the Scrubs sad theme plays as J.D. walks out of the ICU, turning the lights off as he goes. The entire hospital's power goes off. Everybody inside panics:]
Dr. Cox: We got trouble in here.
Elliot: We all gonna die.
J.D.: [lights return] Why would they wire all the power through one switch? That seems crazy!

Dr. Cox: Hey, Newbie, what if say, I wanna to locate something in here about just how little I care about any given moment that you and I have spent together?
J.D.: Good question. You just go to the glossary, and you see, "How Little I Care." Page 19. Boom, page turn. Things I care as little about as J.D.'s last day of residency.
Dr. Cox: Ha-ha-ha-ha, I remember this one. [sighs] Every hybrid car, every talk-show host, everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, and everything, everything, everything, everything... Everything that existed past, present and future, and all discovered and undiscovered to mention is, and of course-
Both: Hugh Jackman!
J.D.: That was nice. I liked that we shared that.
Dr. Cox: Me too, because it's the exact sentiment that I wanna to put out there for you on your last day of work here. Thank you for this lovely present. [whistles, walks out]

J.D.: [v.o.] To hell with doing my goodbyes too early, I want my moment with Dr. Cox, and I want it now.
J.D.: Dr. Cox, since this is my last day, I got you a little something. You know, as a thank you. Because, in my mind, you're the one who made me the man I am today.
Dr. Cox: You can't blame me for that.
Jordan: No, it's too mean.

Elliot: What's wrong? Did you find out that I am replacing your kitchen counter tops with a prettier ones from my apartment? Because if you're mad, I can stop those workers right now.
J.D.: What? No, Elliot. I'm upset because Huntington's Disease sucks, Dr. Cox is a jerk, I'm such a crappy doctor I just got dumped by a patient, and no one but you and Turk even cares that I am leaving.
Elliot: What about them?
J.D.: I'm not leaving yet. I'm just getting some air, but thank you. Thank you all. You know, I've always said that I-I came to Sacred Heart a boy, and it's turn me into-
Dr. Kelso: They are waving at me, genius. I took my favorite table, and I'm bailing out of that coffee place. Bye gang!
All: Bye, Bob.
J.D.: But you left a year ago! You got cake! He got a cake! And who changed my sign? How dare you change somebody's sign?! You stupid sign changers!
Elliot: Hey, relax.
J.D.: They're sign changers!

J.D.: Dr. Cox, I want something from you.
Dr. Cox: I know you do, Newbie, and I have been searching through this wonderful book that you gave me, trying to find the exact right speech to share with you, but alas, there's nothing in here on "Barking Up The Wrong Tree," or even a "Turn Back Now Because This Doesn't End Well For You" section, so I'm gonna have to go ahead and wing it. Let's see what happens. Newbie, I know that you want this to be a very special day for the both of us. I get that, I truly do. You want feelings to be shared. You want hugs to flow. But that is not now, nor has it ever been who I am, and you know that. So I'm real sorry there, Newbie, but this is not a special day for me, it's just a day.
J.D.: If you put that down in the book later, give it five.
Dr. Cox: Fair enough.

Ted: Aw, man He got my coffee wrong.
Carla: How?
Ted: It's dirt.
Dr. Kelso: That may be because I told Donnie you thought his coffee tasted like dirt.
Ted: Why would you do that?
Dr. Kelso: Because Donnie is a vengeful, little punk, and I wanted to see what he would do.
Ted: He's a convicted felony. He shivved a guy!
Dr. Kelso: Aah, I love you Donnie. Muffin, please.

Carla: I still can't believe you're going back to work.
Dr. Kelso: I miss doctoring. And great thing about locum tenens is it's part time and you have to go where they need you, so it's gonna force Enid and me to travel.
Ted: Finally gonna stop hanging around here?
Dr. Kelso: Yep. This is my last muffin in this place.
Ted: Finally gonna stop hanging around here?
Dr. Kelso: Oh, look. He's stuck on a thought. If he doesn't get off it in a few minutes, just kick him. That's what I always do.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, I have enjoyed this stupid coffee spot so much. I need a momento. Would you distract the staff while I steal my favourite table?
Carla: I don't think so, Bob.
Dr. Kelso: Understood. It's not your fight.