Janitor: Psst!
Carla: What?
Janitor: I need some advice. Which do you prefer?
Carla: What's the occasion?
Janitor: Me wiping up gunk. I was cleaning Kelso's tie rack and I assumed I could have it. I find the Armani is very affective on urine, whereas the Yves Saint Laurent is-
Carla: No, no.

Carla: Ow! What, are you wearing, a cup?
Janitor: People try to hit me there more than you'd think. [taps on cup]

J.D.: I was not ready for this.
Larry: Since Carol is gonna lose her hair in chemo, we decided we'd all shave our heads now. He even agreed to do the cutting.
Dr. Cox: You're up next there, big guy. I mean, come on.You're all in this together, right?

J.D.: I can't believe you all shaved your heads. How great. Even Nana. And you don't look creepy or alien-like at all.

Dr. Cox: Are you ready to run the extra mile?
J.D.: [v.o.] You can't let him know you don't want to do this. Meet his gaze. Meet it twice as hard!
Nurse: Dr. Dorian, we need you. Mr. Bentley's condition is getting worse.
J.D.: [v.o.] God bless his herpes.
J.D.: I'm gonna go take care of that man. When I come back...
J.D.: [v.o.] Pause for effect. Pause for effect.
J.D.: We're gonna shave this thing.

Turk: How the hell could I be fourth?! I know Bonnie's good and Figsack has mad hands, but somehow, I keep forgetting that Todd is a skilled surgeon.
Todd: Hey, how come you didn't page me about that consult?
Elliot: I did. You're wearing your garage door opener on your hip.
Turk: Ladies and gentlemen, number two.

Carla: Kelso's gonna kill me. I can't find Mr. Sommer.
Janitor: Did you look between Mr. Spring and Mr. Fall? [laughs] Too easy.
Carla: Hey, you know? [taps the Janitor's chest] More armor?
Janitor: No. Actually, I am sneaking trays out of the cafeteria. I'm building a shed.

Elliot: Oh, my God. I treated that girl at the free clinic. She was born without nipples.
J.D.: I knew there had to be something wrong! She's too perfect.
Elliot: I was kidding, J.D. I have never seen her in my life. Kelly Ripa!
Dr. Cox: I told you it would catch on.
J.D.: I don't think it's funny.

Dr. Cox: How's that leukemia patient of yours doing?
J.D.: I'm hiding. I really don't want to be bald. I have a sneaking suspicion it won't work for me. I think it might accentuate my spoon-chest.

J.D.: Plus, the girl I'm dating is totally into my hair.
Dr. Cox: She's got to be interested in more than just your hair.
[flashback:]
Woman: If it weren't for your hair, I don't think I'd be remotely interested in you.
[present:]
J.D.: I'm sure there's something else she's into.
[flashback:]
Woman: No, there's nothing else.
[present:]
J.D.: There is. Even if she won't admit it.