Janitor: Well, the good news is, his head isn't in the storage room. Because I once found a head in the storage room. It's a funny story, actually. I put it in my locker because I didn't have time to get to Lost and Found. Went on a long weekend, forgot all about it. Come back to work on Monday, open my locker, whoa! Head! Plus rats! I panicked. I didn't know what the hell to do. So I grabbed the thing and ran up to the roof, and I punt it, and I shank it wide-left, like I always do. And it's heading straight down, right for Kelso sitting in his convertible. I'm done. I'm out of a job, right? Wrong. At that second, a hawk flies in, grabs the thing and flies off with it. I know what you're thinking. We're in the middle of a city. What's a hawk doing there?
Carla: I can't believe you get a locker and I don't.

J.D.: [v.o.] I knew if I didn't leave that bar and go back, I'd never be able to enjoy any of the simple things, even a woman eating my former bangs.
J.D.: Voila. [all cheer]
J.D.: [v.o.] See, that's the thing about being an extra mile guy. You never know who it's gonna rub off on.
Mr. Russell: "Sister Blanche, I've got a little birthday remembrance for you."
Dr. Cox: [high pitched Southern accent] "Oh, have you, Stanley? I wasn't expecting any."
Mr. Russell: "I hope you like it."
Dr. Cox: Aw.
Mr. Russell: You're hating this, aren't you?
Dr. Cox: No, that's not it at all. It's just that I don't believe for a second that you really want me to leave. You gotta feel it, Lyle. You got to get involved. What do you people say? Let's take it from the top?
Mr. Russell: "Sister Blanche, I've got a little birthday remembrance for you."
Dr. Cox: Again. Do it with some force.

Dr. Marston: So you're both fertile, yet you're still unable to conceive, so... How often do you make love?
Turk: Twice today.
Carla: Actually, it was three times. You were asleep for the last one.
Turk: Wow. That really happened?
Carla: Mm-hm.
Turk: Well, I thought it was weird that you were in one of my sex dreams.
Carla: He is not allowed to dream about me. It gets too freaky in there.
Turk: Cirque du Soleil freaky. One time, she was skinless.

Dr. Cox: You know, in four and a half years, I've watched your pal, Stephanie, go through a multitude of irritating fads: the UGG boots, the campaign for better grammar among staff, and of course the double European air-kiss. And seeing as you are sorority sisters, I was hoping you'd be able to tell me when this "extra mile" crap will end.
Turk: Oh, it's never gonna end. He's relentless. Why do you think I was out Sunday morning buying comics for my patient?
Dr. Cox: Because they're giving away free Tastykakes at the comic book store?
Turk: Ha-ha!
Dr. Cox: That used to work better when you were a fat load.
Turk: I know.
Dr. Cox: Damn it!

Carla: Why was I told to drop everything and look after some new patient coming in?
Dr. Kelso: Mr. Sommer is the cousin of one of the trustees. Not important enough to warrant any face time with me, but connected enough that if one of these ding-dongs kills him, it'll be my ass.
J.D.: Carla, can you cover my patients?
Dr. Kelso: She's watching someone for me.
J.D.: I'll find somebody.
Carla: Because I'm just a nurse, I can't look after everybody?
Dr. Kelso: Precisely.

Carla: J.D., why don't you tell me what's wrong with Mrs. Jones? Without looking at a chart.
J.D.: [v.o.] Carla knew, without charts, doctors didn't know much about patients.
[fantasy:]
J.D.: Mr. Barry, I misplaced your chart. I forgot, what's wrong with you again? Oh, that's right. You have a kitty cat stuck in your mouth. Or should I say you have a person stuck around you, little guy? Cootchie-cootchie.

Dr. Cox: Get a load of Mr. Extra Mile Guy's leukemia patient, sitting in there all by herself. Knowing him, he's probably out getting a cake shaped like a cancerous white blood cell.

Carol: Larry? Dad? How?
J.D.: Well, right after I got your test results back, I got on the horn with your dad and we started a phone tree to find everyone. There were some tears, mostly mine, but we got it done.
Carol: You are the most amazing doctor.
J.D.: Hear that, Perry? I'm the most amazing doctor because I went the extra 5,280 feet. What's that? That's right, it's a mile. And how does that makes me feel? Keith! [mouth harp boings] Thank you.

Turk: I'm so sick of this. If the jobs were given to whoever is the best surgeon, I would get all three of those damn spots.
Elliot: It's the same on medical side. I swear, the only reason I got that oncology rotation is I let Dr. Morgan take me as his date to his brother's wedding.
Turk: Ricky Morgan? He works in the cafeteria.
Elliot: What?!

Turk: We have to all band together and agree not to be exploited by Dr. Kelso. From now on, we will only be judged by our skill and abilities. Who's with me? That's right! That's right! From here on out, no more getting him coffee, no more washing his car, no more taking his son to the local steam baths to meet men.
Todd: Well, hey, you guys got him coffee.
Turk: "Together" on three. One, two, three.
All: Together!