Elliot: Every time I turn around, Kelso's there. Ted, he's trying to break my spirit. I mean, do you have any idea what that feels like? [Ted points to his face] I'm sorry. Of course you do.
Ted: Dr. Reid, I'm afraid that nothing you've described constitutes harassment.
Dr. Kelso: Swing and a miss, eh, Dr. Reid? Well, the next time you decide to make a stink over nothing, maybe you should see a lawyer who didn't need five tries to pass the bar exam.
Ted: I have stress-induced dyslexia and you know that, Dr. Oslek.

Spence: That guy?
J.D.: Yeah. Maybe it would be easier if I just told you whose butt I haven't had my fingers in.
Spence: Now, that's one of the perks you never hear about. You guys landed your dream jobs, huh?
J.D.: [v.o.] Dream job.
[fantasy: John Dorian, Chocolate King, sits in a chocolate office eating chocolate, with his assistant Turk writing on a chocolate typewriter. "The Candy Man" plays. As J.D. tires of the chocolate egg and chocolate hearts, he pulls off Turk's arm and bites off a finger:]
Turk: Hey, man, how am I supposed to finish this memo?
J.D.: I don't know.

Dr. Cox: Hey, Betty, Wilma. What the hell? You're only 40 minutes late. Do I smell beer?
J.D.: Oh, we had a few.
Dr. Cox: Newsflash: you can't drink and then come to work. You're not airline pilots.
J.D.: Look, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: No, you look. If someone had asked me just this morning, is there any way that I could have any less respect for you two geniuses, I would have said, "No, no, that's not possible". But lo and behold, you pulled it off. Congratulations. The only problem is I'm fresh out of blue ribbons, so instead you're going to have to settle for a lifetime supply of my foot up your ass. Now, go home. You're not fit to work tonight.

Janitor: I make more than you do.
J.D.: What?
Janitor: I saw your paycheck and I've been dying to tell you, I make more than you do. Quite a bit more.
J.D.: You couldn't have seen my paycheck.
Janitor: Right. Because there's no way I could access the personnel files. [holds up keys] Just impossible. By the way, 987654320.
J.D.: That's my Social Security number.
Janitor: No. That's your PIN number.
J.D.: No, my PIN number is 3674.
Janitor: Bingo.

Dr. Kelso: I haven't perused the latest nursing contract, I'm guessing it doesn't say "show up when you damn well please.
Dr. Cox: Well, hey, Bob, here's an idea. What say you stop showing up altogether and we'll just replace you with a giant time clock? Oh, an if we ever get to missing you, we'll just have a tiny little Bob Kelso cuckoo bird pop out every few minutes and say, "I've never satisfied a woman. I've never satisfied a woman. I've never satisfied a woman. I've never satisfied a woman."

Dr. Kelso: Nurse Espinosa, do you by any chance know what time your 9.30 shift starts?
Carla: 9:30?
Dr. Kelso: See, that's what I would've said. But then I had Ted stand out in the parking lot and monitor your arrival times this week. Ted?
Ted: 9:34, 9:39, 9:41, 9:33, and 9:50.
Carla: How is that law degree working out for you, Ted?
Ted: I was going to be a senator.

J.D.: [v.o.] As for us, it was the end of our second year, and somehow each day had begun to feel the same. You see, after a while, your residency boils down to just a few things. Paperwork. The three prescriptions every patient gets.
Elliot: Give her acetaminophen for her headache, Restoril so she'll sleep, and Colace so she'll poop.
J.D.: [v.o.] Paperwork. Mind-numbing monotony. And, of course, paperwork.

J.D.: Carla, college wasn't all sex and coats. Spence here got me through a lot of hard times.
[flashback to college:]
Spence: Why don't you just mousse the crap out of it? Straight up.
J.D.: Yes.
[present:]
J.D.: My life changed that day.

J.D.: [v.o.] OK, he hasn't said a word in over ten minutes. The hell with it. I'm going in.
J.D.: Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, if the next two words out of your mouth aren't "See you," then the third will be, "Oh, my God. My crotch, you've punched me in the crotch."
J.D.: See you.

Dr. Kelso: Wow. Dr. Reid, do an ABG on bed four without waking him. Dr., uh, Young Asian Fellow, bed seven needs a central line. And Dr. Murphy and Dr. Eager Beaver, step forward.
J.D.: [v.o.] This is it. Last man standing.
Dr. Kelso: What are the four differential diagnoses of the persistent ST elevation on any EKG? Dorian.
J.D.: Ischemia.
Dr. Kelso: Murphy.
Doug: Aneurysm.
Dr. Kelso: Dorian.
J.D.: Pericarditis.
Dr. Kelso: Murphy.
Doug: Pass.
J.D.: [v.o.] Ah, Doug. At least you're going to a more chocolaty place.