Turk: Sir, I promise you, if you offer her the job again she'll say yes. And I'll do anything I'll pick up extra shifts, I'll volunteer, I'll volunteer at the clinic, whatever you want.
Dr. Kelso: Ah. I want you to kill the giant bat that's been living in my attic.
Turk: You keep Enid in the attic?
Dr. Kelso: You make me laugh, Turkleton. 8 o'clock, sharp. I'd wear goggles.

J.D.: Dammit. Brain Freeze is too hard. I knew I should've gone for Funny Bone.
Turk: Step aside.
J.D.: [v.o.] One thing I've learned is to never play Operation against a surgeon for money.
Turk: Eight seconds! Is that a new record, baby?
Carla: That depends, what are we talking about?
J.D.: [laughs]

Turk: My blood sugar's a little low.
Carla: You want a cookie?
J.D.: [v.o.] Turk's blood sugar was low because he has Type II diabetes and hasn't figured out his medication yet.
J.D.: Mmm. Mulattos.
Carla: They're Milanos, you idiot.
J.D.: I always thought that was a little bigoted for a cookie.

J.D.: [v.o.] Cookie racism aside, I had bigger problems. It had been three weeks since our dad died, and my brother Dan was still staying with me.
Dan: Boy, nothing like a little time off to remind you how hard you been working, huh?
J.D.: You bar tend three shifts a week.
Dan: Two. They dropped me one for doinking the Jell-o shot girl.

J.D.: [v.o.] Since I had dumped Elliot and broke her heart, she couldn't really be there for me. But thankfully she was there for my brother.
Elliot: You doing okay?
Dan: I am now. You know, without Elliot, I never would have gotten through my dad's death.
J.D.: Our dad's death.
Dan: Right. [to Elliot] Air-hockey?

J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, hello. Women are checking me out lately. Was it the ten push-ups I've been cranking out every other Sunday? Perhaps. More likely it was the pledge I made not to date anyone until Elliot did. See, since then, the gals have been all over me.
Woman: Can I buy you a drink?
J.D.: I'm sorry, sugar, this store is closed.
J.D.: [v.o.] They've been all over me.
J.D.: Very impressive, but I'm sorry. You have some gum on your shoe.

J.D.: [v.o.] The key to sleeping in the on-call room is to block out the noises around you like snoring, teeth-grinding, or even on-call room nookie. Hello, my old friend, how I've missed you.
Elliot: That's feel good.
J.D.: [v.o.] Yes, it does. Time out, male moaning! Party's over. [turns lights on]
Dan: Hey! [J.D. falls off the top bunk] Hey, little brother.

Elliot: J.D., are you really this upset?
J.D.: Well, how would you feel if I hooked up with one of your siblings?
Elliot: A little confused considering I have four brothers. But not surprised. At you or Barry.
J.D.: Barry?

Elliot: I guess I just didn't think I was doing anything wrong.
J.D.: Well, obviously you did, or you would have told me about it from the beginning.
J.D.: [v.o.] That one had to sting. I really wanna look back and see if it landed, but I'll have to go back to sad face first. [turns around with a sad face] Oh, it landed!

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Clock, may I have a word?
Dr. Cox: Uh-oh, it's payback time.
Dr. Kelso: I got you a present for your trip to Mexico. It's my old Spanish-to-English dictionary. I don't need it anymore I've mastered the language.
Dr. Molly Clock: Gracias, Senor.
Dr. Kelso: You're welcome-o!
Dr. Molly Clock: [to Dr. Cox] You were right payback's a bitch.