Dr. Kelso: Damn it, young lady, let me in. This is my hospital.
Dr. Cox: Hey, Bob? What's shaking in "patientsville"?
Dr. Kelso: Oh, just trying to keep myself from spending all day in there with her. Such a doll.

Dr. Kelso: I don't know how she jammed this. Can you open that door?
Janitor: [v.o.] Okay, you made it up here without passing out or vomiting, now just calmly and elegantly explain that you can't open the door right now, and he'll be on his way.
Janitor: You open the door?
Janitor: [v.o.] Well done.
Dr. Kelso: Are you mocking me? Here, gimme this damned screw driver.

Dr. Kelso: Hello young lady. I went ahead and set up an appointment for you with our nutritionist. She's going to help you create a diet and exercise plan so I never have to see you in here again.
Miss Goldman: Yeah, I'm having a gastric bypass.
Dr. Kelso: But, Mrs. Goldman, you're only 25. And considering that any serious surgery has inherent risks, I really don't think-
Miss Goldman: How are you not getting this? I don't care what you think.

J.D.: First my parents get divorce, now you and Carla are all messed-up. What's the common denominator? J.D. I should get business cards that say "love destroyer."

Turk: Dude, it's not your fault. Don't get me wrong, hanging with you these last couple of days has been nice.
J.D.: Nice? It was intoxicating. You were hanging with the J.Dizzle. I'm sure it it felt like some sort of crazy dream.
Turk: I know, because with the Jay Dizzle, everything's hassle free.
J.D.: Yeah, like some sort of crazy hassle free dream.

Turk: Maybe that's why I skipped the brunch, now I just can't help thinking marriage shouldn't be this hard. So, you're my gastric bypass. You got any questions?
Miss Goldman: No, see you in the O.R. tomorrow.
Turk: I'll be the one with the mask on. That's how easy marriage should be.

Carla: Elliot?
Elliot: Yeah.
Carla: I spoke to the groundskeeper. He'll come over as soon as he finishes burying Paul Newman. [off Elliot's look] Different Paul Newman, I asked. I'll just wait here with you.
Elliot: Oh, Carla, go. I'm fine down here, in this giant, fresh empty grave.
Carla: Okay, bye.

Carla: Okay, here it goes. Oh, this is so weird. I don't even know what to say. Sorry I haven't visited you much.
I've been kind of busy, you know. That's not true. Why am I lying to a a slab of granite? I just know I really could've used you around this week. I miss you.
Turk: Can you tell her I miss her too? You know what? Never mind. Because she wouldn't believe you. [Carla laughs]

J.D.: Why can't Carla just let this go?
Elliot: Wouldn't you be mad if you caught your husband talking to his ex girlfriend?
J.D.: Yeah, but mostly because I had a husband.