Elliot: Oh, my God! She's got a tattoo of a teardrop on her bajingo! Is it sad?
Carla: Her vagina, Elliot. She has a tattoo on her beautiful vagina.
Turk: [gasps] This just isn't fair. Not fair at all. It's ridiculous!

J.D.: [v.o.] The weird thing is, even though it's natural, sex can make us uncomfortable.
Elliot: You have a penis. And I have a vagina!
Sean: That is so hot.

Elliot: You're coming in because you need to set an example of professionalism, and you're certainly not going to do that by making fun of that man's slinky-doo.
Dr. Kelso: Don't pull me. I'm your boss, for God's- Hello.
Elliot: Well, Mr. Gerst, your situation doesn't seem to be reversing itself, So I think we're gonna need to schedule a procedure to relieve the, uh...
Dr. Kelso: Woodiness.
Mr. Gerst: My fiance is only 24, and she said she wanted to do something special this morning. Turns out she just meant having breakfast with her family. [Elliot stifles laughter] Those pills didn't really kick in until just about the moment I'm introduced to her 90-year-old grandmother. [Elliot stifles laughter] And sure enough, that little lady gives me the waist hug from her wheelchair.
Elliot: Excuse me, I need that chart.
Dr. Kelso: Sweetheart, it's not healthy to hold it in. Just let it out. You know you want to.
Elliot: I'm fine.
Mr. Gerst: I pulled away from that encounter with all of Grandma Helen's breathing apparatus.
Elliot: [bursts out laughing]
Dr. Kelso: My work here is done.
Elliot: Oh, my God, I can't stop! I'm sorry. I have to pee.

Elliot: We don't want any distractions while we're trying to make a baby.
Keith: OK, you gotta stop saying that.
Elliot: Look, Keith, we're role-playing. This is not real. Let's just do this.
Keith: All right.
Elliot: [moaning] Promise me you'll hold me like this when I'm pushing your baby out my bajingo.
Keith: Okay, I'm putting on a third condom.