David: Okay, how did I not know that you worked at a Rose Video?
Moira: Well, let's hope that you continue to surprise each other. It keeps the relationship titillating.
David: Okay, please never say titillating when referring to my relationship.
Stevie: Oh, can I though?
David: No.

Patrick: David, I-I need to explain a couple of things.
David: Um, what would be the main one, do you think?
Patrick: Rachel and I were engaged, but I called it off before I moved here.
David: Okay, you know what, you don't need to explain yourself.
Patrick: I think- I think that I do.
David: No, I know you do, that's just what I'm supposed to be saying in the moment, so, please continue.

Alexis: Okay, well I just wanted to say hey, and I'm here, and I got your text.
Ted: What text?
Alexis: The text.
Ted: Did I send a text?
Alexis: Maybe no? Maybe you didn't. Did you? I'm not sure.
Ted: What, uh, what'd it say?
Alexis: Nothing. I don't think it said anything, now that I think about it. Um, no, something about you being more of a bagel guy.
Ted: Oh, my God, did I send that to you?
Alexis: No, I don't think so.
Ted: Oh my gosh, I did.
Alexis: Did you, though?
Ted: I'm sorry, that wasn't supposed to be sent to you.
Alexis: Hello dummy, why do you think I'm here? I'm here to tell you to be careful because with those texts, those texts in the wrong hands...
Ted: Yeah, it was actually meant for Heather.
Alexis: Heather, yes. Yes. You and Heath and the bagels.

Alexis: Morning, David.
David: Ew. What are you all doing here?
Johnny: We have a surprise for you.
David: Judging from the looks on your faces, I don't want it.

David: Do you have any idea what you've done?
Patrick: I take it the cookie went over well?
David: I have told you for three months now, that I don't want a monthly anniversary gift. And I know you think it's very funny, but this time it went too far.
Patrick: It's a cookie, David, what's the big deal?
David: First of all, a cookie is always a big deal, especially when that cookie just alerted my entire family to the fact that this is officially the longest relationship I've ever had.
Patrick: This is the longest relationship you've ever had? Oh, I shoulda got you more than a cookie.

Patrick: Now I gotta go to town hall to get some signatures for our permit renewal, but don't worry, David, unlike the birthday clown, I will be back.
David: He was never found.
Patrick: Probably dead.

Alexis: Hey girl.
Stevie: Oh, you're talkin' to me?
Alexis: Yeah, who else would I be talking to? [to guest] No offence.
Stevie: What's up?
Alexis: Okay, so I wanted to get some advice, like girl-to-girl, 'cause you're always so good with boy stuff.
Stevie: So David's at work and you had nobody else to talk to?
Alexis: What? That's... So I got this message from Ted, and I wanted to get someone's your- Your, specific opinion before I replied.

Alexis: Okay, so this is what Ted sent this morning.
Stevie: I'm more of a bagel guy, winky face?
Alexis: Keep in mind we haven't seen each other in weeks.
Stevie: Okay, so it was an accident.
Alexis: Or, it was made to look like an accident.
Stevie: Okay.
Alexis: It's a tactic, Stevie. You send someone a random text message to get their attention, and then the next thing you know, you're talking again.
Stevie: Who would do that?
Alexis: I've done that. Like a lot.

Alexis: Um, okay so what do you think I should write back?
Rachel: Honestly I don't know anything about your relationship, but I do know that games only get you so far. Unless you wanna end up like me, 6 months later, tryin' to win him back for the 50th time.
Alexis: Mmhm. Having flashbacks of Zac Efron.
Rachel: Isn't it easier to just be direct? Either way, you get an answer.
Alexis: You're like super smart, and pretty in like a breezy, non-threatening sort of way.
Stevie: Another successful girl talk.

Johnny: No, there's no dials, no tanks, no side burners. I mean I wasn't expecting a built-in wine fridge, but this is nothing like what I'm used to cooking on.
Roland: [scoffs]
Johnny: What?
Roland: No, I'm sorry, I just had an image of you cooking.