Patrick: Officer, they mentioned there was a weapon involved.
Police Officer: Can you describe the weapon?
David: You describe it.
Stevie: Well, if there was a weapon, it was concealed.
David: Yeah, so you know, it's it's sort of hard to describe a concealed weapon.
Stevie: Yeah, I mean, if we could tell you what it looked like, he wouldn't be doing a good job of concealing it.

Ted: And, in that spirit, I should probably tell you that I didn't actually keep everything that you gave me.
Alexis: That's fine.
Ted: Yeah, after the breakup, I uh well, I took some of your stuff to the incinerator, along with some pets that needed to be cremated.
Alexis: Ew.
Ted: And you think you feel bad? The wallet that you gave me was still in there, and I had forgotten to take some of the cards out, and I was actually only one stamp away from a free sub, so...
Alexis: Okay well, if it makes you feel any better, that was David's wallet.

Johnny: Look "I'm lying here in bed, I can't move, I miss you." It's all there, Moira. You're telling me none of this rings a bell?
Moira: In my defence, John, I had asked for actual painkillers, to help ease me into my character's plight.

Twyla: Okay, here we go. I know you asked for a small, but I "swapped it" for a large.
David: Twyla, may I say, you are looking very chic.
Johnny: Would you look at that? That looks like the tiara you wore at your bat mitzvah, Alexis.
Twyla: Well, I had a little help from a friend.
Alexis: We should probably coordinate a time to swap everything back.
Twyla: Oh, don't worry, I'm fine.
David: And what exactly did you get out of this fun swap?
Alexis: I got Twyla's step-brother's dog tags. And a whistle.

Moira: But why are you reading them now?
Johnny: [sighs] I was missing you, so I took out the letters, because reading them made me feel like you were still here with me.
Moira: Oh, you're too sweet. Unfortunately, we're going to have to stick with my version of the events.
Johnny: What? Why would we do that?
Moira: I don't want anyone thinking I wrote these!
Johnny: Well, I don't want people thinking I'm reading some other woman's love letters!
Moira: Well, it'll give you an edge. No one will ever accuse you of being vanilla again.
Johnny: Who's saying that?

Johnny: Oh! Well Moira, it sounds like a nightmare of a trip. Why don't we leave the unpacking 'til tomorrow, and just get some rest?
Moira: Good idea. Kids!
Johnny: No Moira, it's 3:30.
Moira: David! Alexis!
David: Oh! Who is it?
Alexis: Oh, my God, what?!
Moira: I don't know what you kids are still doing up so late. I didn't want to disturb you, I just wanted you to know that Mummy got home safe and sound!

Moira: No! No one would believe this! These cannot be real!
Alexis: What's going on?
Moira: Well, instead of sleeping last night, I decided to just power right through. You know, best to round up to an even four days. And while I was doing some light reorganization, I came upon this stack of love letters written to your father by another woman.

David: Good morning. Is there something I can help you with?
Robber: Yeah, I'd like you to open your cash register, and give me your money!
David: Okay, small problem. Um, our money isn't for sale.
Robber: I'm robbing you!
David: Thought so, yeah.

David: So here's the problem. Our till doesn't currently have any cash in it, because my partner is at the bank getting money for the float.
Robber: What about you, what do you have?
Stevie: A wallet full of debt.

Robber: Can someone put something in a bag, please?!
David: Um, we only have cloth totes, I hope that's okay.
Robber: Whatever!
David: Would you like some wine?
Robber: Okay, yeah, yes, put some booze in a bag.
David: Do you drink red wine, or white wine? Maybe some chilled rose in the back?
Stevie: I'll get it!
Robber: I'm not letting you go into the back! What else?
Stevie: Cheese goes good with wine.
David: Suddenly she's a sales associate.