Leslie Knope: Yes, Pawnee has had its set of problems, but this time capsule is our way of saying that Pawnee is gonna be around for a long time... Capsule. And you can quote me on that.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Oh, I'm actually gonna quote you on all of this, 'cause it's a newspaper article.
Leslie Knope: I thought of a great headline.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Great.
Leslie Knope: It's time to encapsulate the future.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Good one.
Leslie Knope: Sub headline: The Parks Department cuts the crapsule, buries the time capsule.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: I'll be back tomorrow with the photographer.

Leslie Knope: Hi. Can I help you?
Kelly Larson: I'm Kelly Larson. I read online about your time capsule, and I'm here to make a suggestion.
Leslie Knope: Oh, I'm sorry. We're not taking sugges...
Kelly Larson: The Twilight books. It's a beautifully-told saga of vampires, werewolves, and romance.
Leslie Knope: Ah, you are the person that's been emailing me about Twilight. I thought you would be younger... And a girl.
Kelly Larson: Well, I'm not. I'm older and a boy. But I feel very strongly that these should be included. Can I tell you why?
Leslie Knope: Sure, Kelly. Have a seat.
Kelly Larson: Awesome.
Leslie Knope: And plead your case.
Kelly Larson: Thanks. Okay, Christmas Eve, 1973. Author Stephenie Meyer, nee Morgan, was born in Hartford, Connecticut.
Leslie Knope: Oh, you're going all the way back to her birth. Okay.

Ann: Why are you hanging out with Chris?
Andy: He just sat down. What am I supposed to do? He's my boss.
Ann: No, he's not.
Andy: He isn't? God dang it. I cannot figure out who my boss is.

Ben: Guys, can we push the meeting an hour? What's going on?
Leslie Knope: Some guy handcuffed himself to a pipe in my office because we wouldn't put a copy of Twilight in the time capsule.
Ben: Damn it. Again?

Tom: Hey, dude, wake up, man.
Kelly Larson: Oh, morning, Tom.
Tom: Twilight is dope.
Kelly Larson: I told you.
Tom: I couldn't put it down. It was like she was peering into my soul.
Kelly Larson: Sing it, friend. Here. Book two. Twilight: New Moon. Get cracking.
Tom: There's a second book?
Kelly Larson: And a third and a fourth.
Tom: No [bleep] way.

Leslie Knope: Okay, you know what? I'm gonna go do my work in the conference room, 'cause you guys are the worst.
Kelly Larson: You seem tense, Leslie. You know what you should do?
Leslie Knope: Read Twilight?
Kelly Larson: Read Twilight. Here.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, thanks.
Tom: Sometimes I think she's in the volturi. [laughter]

Tom: Thanks for coming.
Lucy: I only have a second. I have to get to work.
Tom: Bella's going on her first hunt. I just don't get why you broke up with me. Is it 'cause I'm not cool enough like the normal kids compared to the vampires? Is it an Edward-Bella-Jacob type situation where you like me but there's someone else you like more?
Lucy: Uh, it's nothing to do with Twilight. It just didn't work out. Okay?
Tom: Well, what difference does it make? If we stayed together, you probably would have just dumped me for Ron.
Lucy: Actually, that's the reason. I believe you when you say that you're not in love with Wendy anymore, but you're definitely not cool with her dating Ron. You talk about it constantly.
Tom: Well, I can't help it, okay? I mean, he's so manly, and he's my boss. Imagine if your boss was Angelina Jolie, and then one day, she just started dating your ex-boyfriend. Wouldn't that freak you out a little bit?
Lucy: Well, not if I had great new boyfriend, dumbass. Look, Tom, I like you. You're really cute and you're funny and you're small enough for me to throw you around. So if you ever work through this, then give me a call.

Woman: My grandmother lived in Pawnee for 60 years, and I want to put her ashes in the time capsule.
Man: My cat, Turnip, was the greatest cat ever, and I'd like to put his ashes in the time capsule.
Leslie Knope: For the last time, and I won't say this again, there will be no human or feline ashes in either one of the time capsules.
Man: Except for Turnip. [begins chanting] Except for Turnip.
Leslie Knope: No chanting.

Man: Look, we don't know what the world is going to be like in 50 years. We could all have been wiped out from disease or the flu.
Donna: So what's your suggestion?
Man: I don't know. I'm just scared.

Woman: That's ridiculous. Now, why should the bill of rights be in the official time capsule but this painting of my dog is in time capsule seven?
Leslie Knope: Well, I think pet paintings/ashes are in time capsule four.
Man: No, that's baseball cards.
Leslie Knope: No, baseball cards are in time capsule nine: Childhood memorabilia.
Kelly Larson: Honestly, Twilight could go in almost any of these categories.
Man: Oh, shut up, Kelly!
Kelly Larson: Make me, Bob!
Leslie Knope: Okay, let's take a ten-minute break!