‘The Cones of Dunshire’
Season 6, Episode 9 - Aired November 21, 2013
Leslie tries to curry favor with Councilman Jamm so she can secure funding for the Pawnee Commons. Ben finally takes a job at the accounting firm which has tried to hire him three times. Meanwhile, Ron puts his cab up for sale and agrees to let Donna and Tom try to sell the place.
Quote from April
April: I'll buy it.
Tom: You can't afford that house. Can you afford that house?
Ron Swanson: What would you use it for?
April: I'd go up there and take Andy and Champion and just get away from everyone else and look at spiders. And it's where I'd bury the bodies of that annoying couple after I murder them. Here's my offer. I will give you everything in my purse. $8, a bunch of loose cough drops, and Larry's asthma inhaler.
Jerry: Thank God. I've been looking for that.
April: Larry, this is part of a real estate transaction now. You have no legal claim to it.
Jerry: Sorry, I had no idea.
Quote from Ben
Chris: Speaking of which, how's the new gig coming?
Ben: Well, I got a raise, and my fridge is full of calzones, so not complaining.
Quote from Councilman Jamm
Councilman Howser: Any new business before we adjourn?
Leslie Knope: Yes, I have one, the Pawnee Commons. [all groan] The money for the Pawnee Commons, aka the greatest future park in the world, aka my personal dream project...
Councilman Jamm: Aka... [blows raspberry]
Leslie Knope: ... is currently in a discretionary fund. I'd like to move it to a lockbox, to ensure that it is used for that project.
Councilman Jamm: The thing is, Leslie, this kind of decision is-- it's not really up to you anymore. Because the voters, to use a technical political term, gave you the stanky boot. But we'll keep your money safe, baby girl. What, you think I'm gonna use it to put a new limestone shower in my office?
Leslie Knope: Yeah, now I do.
Councilman Jamm: I propose that we table this discussion until, let's say, the second Knope is gone. Later, bunheads.
Quote from Ben
Ben: Ben Wyatt, reporting for duty. How you doing, Barney? Good to see you again.
Barney: I just can't believe it's finally happening. [laughs] Dad! He's here! He really came!
Frank: Hello, Ben. I'm Frank. I took the job when you passed it up last time. Heard a lot about you.
Ben: Well, all good things, I hope.
Frank: A little too good. Let's see if you live up to the hype. [Ben chuckles] I'm not joking.
Ben: Oh.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: Frank seems cool.
Quote from Councilman Jamm
Councilman Jamm: The hell you nerds doing here?
Leslie Knope: We're not done talking about the lockbox. This isn't over.
Chris: And I am here to mediate. [blows whistle]
Councilman Jamm: You can't just show up at my door like this.
Leslie Knope: Look, I know we have had our differences, but this is very important to me. And I'm not leaving until we hash this out.
Councilman Jamm: I respect the moxie, Knope. You can come in for a minute. Shoes off. This is a house of respect.
Chris: Well, I don't need to do that. My feet are very clean.
Councilman Jamm: No shoes, you lose.
Leslie Knope: "No shoes, you lose"? That means we should have shoes then, right?
Councilman Jamm: No shoes... Hmm.
Quote from Councilman Jamm
Councilman Jamm: Yeah, so this is my weekend dojo. Sorry, the place is a bit of a mess. My wife's in Oklahoma for eight months. Maybe forever. We'll see if she forgives me.
Leslie Knope: Who's that, Michelle Wie?
Councilman Jamm: It's not sexual. I'm just a really big fan of her game.
Leslie Knope: Really?
Councilman Jamm: Yeah.
Leslie Knope: Because in that picture, she's wearing a bikini.
Councilman Jamm: Yeah, thanks. Photoshopped it myself.
Leslie Knope: Fantastic.
Quote from Leslie Knope
Councilman Jamm: Well, this is about the time I hit the hay, so...
Leslie Knope: Why don't we all hit the hay? We'll stay here, get a good night's sleep, and we can start negotiations tomorrow. We stopped at the outlet mall on the way here. Got ourselves a sleeping bag, a giant tin of caramel corn, and an irregular skirt from DKNY. The hem is crooked, but it was 8 bucks. The point is, I am not leaving until I get that lockbox.
Councilman Jamm: Oh, playing hardball, huh? Hey, no sweat off my sack. You can take the couch, if you can get my exercise equipment out of the way.
Leslie Knope: I think I can handle it.
Quote from Leslie Knope
Councilman Jamm: How sweet is this table, by the way, huh? I got it from an actual Benihana. Cost me 4 grand. Worth every penny. Hai! Can I interest anyone in an authentic a-Japanese a-break-a-fast?
Leslie Knope: Scrambled eggs eaten with chopsticks? Okay.
Councilman Jamm: Hai!
Leslie Knope: You know, maybe we should negotiate while we're eating.
Councilman Jamm: No, what's the rush? Plenty of time for that later.
Leslie Knope: You know what might put you in the mood to talk is a couple of brewskis and a calendar featuring some of your favorite female wrestlers.
Councilman Jamm: [whistles] Oh, yeah. Knope, you know the way to a man's heart. Yeah, okay. Let's talk. You got it.
Quote from Ben
Barney: Saturday at the firm with Ben.
Ben: Okay, we dissolve the loan-out and file bankruptcy. That way only our clients have claim to the assets.
Frank: [mockingly] Great idea... that we had a month ago. The problem is, the trust still has claim to the property.
Ben: Then we dissolve the trust. Clients "A," "B," and "F," they would have to agree, but if they went for it, we could arbitrate.
Frank: He's right. We never thought of that.
Barney: Oh, oh! Ben, Ben. Say it again but this time I'm gonna turn the light on, like you just had an idea.
Ben: Sure, sure. Yeah, I'm with you. Um, okay. What if... [light goes on] we dissolve the trust?
Barney: Yes! You just cracked the case.
Ben: I'm just doing my job.
Quote from Leslie Knope
Leslie Knope: Okay, here's an idea. Maybe we name part of the park the "Jamm Zone"?
Councilman Jamm: Hmm. Yeah, Jamm could dig on that. How about if in the Jamm zone, there's no married chicks allowed?
Chris: Caution, Jeremy. I think there are people that will find the "No Married Chicks" zone both morally repugnant and hard to enforce.