Tom: Come on! I'm serious! Now, the words "too sexy" aren't really in my vocabulary, but, Marlene, girl, you are too sexy!

Tom: Brendanawicz. Let's bounce. We're gonna be late.
Mark: For what?
Tom: Ladies. Scully's Bar. Let's go. Bounce, bounce, bounce.
Ann: No. Please, you guys are the only people here I know.
Mark: Uh, well, this thing's kind of wrapping up. Maybe we could leave a little later.
Tom: Uh, it's 9:30, on a Friday night in Pawnee. There's not gonna be a later, Mark. Come on, now, you promised we'd go hit on chicks.
Mark: Maybe you and Leslie can join us at the bar.
Ann: Look, I would love to come hit on chicks with you guys, but she seems kind of engaged in something and I think I should probably stay.
Tom: You'd hit on chicks? For real?

Leslie Knope: Okay, well, apparently Restrepo was trying to blow us off, so my mom has a plan. We're gonna twist her arm a little bit. She's trying to cover up for the fact that she has a husband who likes to vroom-vroom-vroom-vroom and glug-glug-glug-glug-glug.
Ann: So you're gonna blackmail her?
Leslie Knope: No, I'm just gonna get tough with her, Tellenson-style.
Ann: That doesn't sound tough to me, that sounds slimy. It sounds like your mom's telling you to be slimy.
Leslie Knope: Ann, you don't understand politics. Look, nursing is easy.
Ann: Really?
Leslie Knope: Yeah. You just go to work, and people come in, and you heal them. But politics is different, you know? Sometimes you have to bring the pain. You can't let yourself get taken advantage of.
Ann: I think your mom's giving you bad advice. I don't think so. You just do everything your mom tells you to do?
Leslie Knope: You just do everything your boyfriend tells you to do? Make any pancakes lately?
Ann: He has two broken legs.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, and he's got three crutches. And one of them is you! And the other two are crutches.
Ann: You know, I don't need to be here.
Frank Schnable: It's okay. You're allowed to fight. You two are just like everyone else.
Leslie Knope: Thank you, former Councilman Schnable.

Ann: [on the phone] I'm leaving now, honey. Cool Ranch, got it. Anything else? Mmm... I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to get those tonight. Well, 'cause I don't think I can find a store that's open that sells slippers.

Leslie Knope: I know about things.
Janine: Well, my schedule is my schedule. So, I'm just gonna get back to my dessert.
Leslie Knope: Drive much?
Janine: Excuse me?
Leslie Knope: Your husband. Does he drive much out of state? I know that your husband is a drunk driver. My mom told me.
Janine: What do you want?
Leslie Knope: Uh... Just saying. I... [Janine throws her drink in Leslie's face]
Janine: Get out.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. Mmm-hmm. I don't know what came over me.
Janine: Leave.
Leslie Knope: I hope your husband gets help and that you have a long and happy marriage.

Tom: I need you back there, man. I've seen you hook up with more trashy chicks in the last year than I can count, all right? If there was a Tellenson Award for hooking up with trashy chicks all the time, you'd have several of those awards. You're the king. You're my hero.
Mark: Tom, I'm gonna get out of here. I'll see you Monday, okay?

Leslie Knope: I just wanted to tell you that I didn't go through with it, blackmailing that woman. I tried, but I just couldn't do it.
Ann: Good. That's a good thing. It wasn't you. You know, there was definitely some truth about that thing you said about me and Andy.
Leslie Knope: No. What?
Ann: Yeah. I'm sorry.
Leslie Knope: Me, too. [they hug]
Andy: Oh. Whoa! Hey! What the hell? Oh. Hi, Leslie. I thought you were a dude.

Tom: [aside to camera] Yes, I'm married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven't even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to both of us.
[flashback:]
Tom: You like the color orange? Carrots? You into those?