Leslie Knope: So, how did your coffee with Tammy go?
Ron Swanson: Leslie, I can't thank you enough for sticking your nose where it didn't belong.
Leslie Knope: I knew it. So what did you guys talk about? Old times? Oh, I love talking about old times. New times are great, too, but there's just something about old times, you know what I mean?
Ron Swanson: We didn't talk. We made love.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my. Mmm. Good. Well, spare me the details. I'm just happy.
Ron Swanson: It was so intense, I didn't know where my flesh stopped and hers began. You know what I mean?
Leslie Knope: Yeah.
Ron Swanson: Our marriage was always a complete disaster, but we did have that. The two of us. It's like doing peyote and sneezing, slowly, for six hours.
Leslie Knope: This seems like a private matter, but I'm so...
Ron Swanson: That woman really knows her way around a penis.
Leslie Knope: Okay. Well, I'm happy that it went well and that you enjoyed your coffee.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I truly believe that everyone should be friends with their exes. I can't even tell you how many of my exes' weddings I've been to.

Leslie Knope: Tammy, can I speak with you for a second? I know what you're doing. You don't care about Ron. You're just using him to get Lot 48 for your library.
Tammy Two: Leslie, that's crazy. And correct.
Leslie Knope: Why are you doing this?
Tammy Two: Les, there are two kinds of women in this world. There are women who work hard and stress out about doing the right thing. And then there are women who are cool. You could either be a Cleopatra or you could be an Eleanor Roosevelt. I'd rather be Cleopatra.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: What kind of lunatic would wanna be Cleopatra over Eleanor Roosevelt?

Leslie Knope: So, would you like to be in the room when I tell her it's over, or would you rather wait outside?
Ron Swanson: In the room. I don't want her to think I'm a wimp.
Leslie Knope: Here're the ground rules. Don't talk to her. Do not make eye contact with her. Don't believe anything she says. Just sit there, like a potted plant. Can you do that? Come on.

Mark: Look, I understand that this Ann situation is awkward. But I like you a lot as a dude. And I just hope that there is some way that we can both be mature, and maybe be friends.
Andy: Yeah. I doubt it. I mean, I think you're a cool dude, too. I like you as well. But I'm still in love with Ann. I couldn't have been more upfront about that.
[aside to camera:]
Mark: Is punching allowed on the high road?

Leslie Knope: Thank you for saving my future park. I know that must've been hard for you. You didn't kill Tammy, did you?
Ron Swanson: I'm afraid she can't be killed. To exes. May they always stay that way. Tammy is a mean person.
Leslie Knope: Come on, Ron. You can do better than that.
Ron Swanson: She's a grade-A bitch.
Leslie Knope: There we go.
Ron Swanson: Every time she laughs, an angel dies. Even telemarketers avoid her. Her birth was payback for the sins of man. But you know the worst thing about her?
Leslie Knope: She works for the library.
Ron Swanson: She works for the library.

Leslie Knope: Hello? Hi. I'm Leslie Knope. I called a little while ago.
Tammy Two: You have a lot of nerve showing your face here.
Leslie Knope: Excuse me?
Tammy Two: You have overdue book fees totaling $3, missy.
Leslie Knope: That is so typical. I should have known you'd use a low blow, dirty pool BS move like that.
Tammy Two: No...
Leslie Knope: That's why everybody hates the library. Here. You know what? Here's your $3. And I'll see you in hell.
Tammy Two: Leslie, no... Leslie, Leslie, Leslie. I'm just kidding. My gosh, I mean, you did have $3 worth of fines, but I cleared them. We government gals have to watch each other's backs, right?
Leslie Knope: I know this is a trap. But I don't know how.
Tammy Two: Okay. Did you talk to Ron? Um, Ron tends to exaggerate when it comes to me. I swear I don't have cloven feet. Please. Sit down.

Leslie Knope: I want it to be a perfect park with a state-of-the-art swing set, and basketball courts, and off to the side, a lovely sitting area for kids with asthma to watch other kids play.
Tammy Two: Wow. If I'd had a park like that when I was growing up, I probably wouldn't have gone through such a prolonged mall-slut phase. [laughs]
Leslie Knope: Well, that's the goal, Tammy.
Tammy Two: Listen, you guys got there first. I'm gonna withdraw my request for the lot, as a professional courtesy to you. Government gals, right?
Leslie Knope: Government gals.

Tammy Two: It's really good to see you, Ron.
Ron Swanson: You've aged horribly.
Tammy Two: You son of a bitch.
Ron Swanson: That didn't take long.
Tammy Two: Oh, my God. What is your problem? Nothing's changed, has it? Who set the bed on fire, huh?
Waiter: Excuse me, folks.
Ron Swanson: I did. Okay? Is that what you wanna hear?
Waiter: Please, folks.
Ron Swanson: We're fine. We're fine.

Ron Swanson: "Thank you, Old Gus, for brightening our lives, our hearts, and most importantly, our shoes." [applause]
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: This truly is a day of mixed emotions for me. I'm sad that Old Gus is leaving, but it allows me to help Andy restart his life as Pioneer Hall's new shoeshine guy.
[back:]
Gus: Well, I've been listening to your boring speeches for the last 50 years, and now it's time for you to listen to one of mine. [laughter] You know, a day like this makes a man reflect upon his life, and I've come to the conclusion that I've completely wasted mine. [light laughter] And just for the record, I never ever liked being called "Old Gus." I didn't understand it when I was in my 20s, and I sure hate it now. So go to hell, every single one of you. Screw Pawnee, and screw your damn shoes. Ah!
Andy: [laughs] Oh, God. That's classic.