Mark: I'm sure that you think that you're clean, but I bet that we could find something on you.
Tom: I changed my name, which is legal, and once in high school, a girl beat me in a wrestling match. That's it. I bet anything I could find worse stuff on all you guys.
Mark: Are you suggesting a game? I'm in.
Donna: I'm in.
Jerry: I'm out.
Tom: Not an option, Jerry. You're going down.
Jerry: No, seriously, I really don't wanna play.
Tom: No, no. Seriously, you are playing. We're gonna nail you.

Donna: You guys will never believe what I just found on Jerry's Facebook.
April: A friend. Burn.
Jerry: Okay, again, I'd really rather not play.

Leslie Knope: Hey, guys. What are you guys doing?
April: Trying to see who has the least amount of dirt on them in case someone wants to run for office.
Dave Sanderson: Well, it ain't Jerry. That's for sure.
Leslie Knope: What?
Dave Sanderson: Well, he's got a couple of 359s on him. Public urination.
Jerry: I don't like this game. I just don't like it. [exits]
Dave Sanderson: He's probably gonna go anger-pee in the courtyard.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Dave and I are going on our first date tomorrow. I'm not nervous. Why should I be nervous? We're just two people going on a first date. There's nothing to be nervous about. [phone rings; Leslie is startled; hurls it across the room] That was my phone.

Tom: Oh, what you doing, guys? Looking for dirt on me? No point. Give up now. Oh, wait, there's this. Everybody, I bought a Croissan'wich this morning.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: This isn't even a real receipt. Just a scrap of paper.

Ron Swanson: Taliban robes!
Tom: What? Where'd you get that photo from?
Donna: Hey, Tom. Nice Taliban robes.
Tom: Those aren't Taliban robes. That's from Halloween, 10 years ago. I was dressed like a Jedi.
Mark: I'm sure that the voters would be able to tell the difference.
Ron Swanson: Mmm, looks to me like you're in the Taliban.
Tom: Well, did everybody know that Ron's ex-wife, Tammy, is actually his second ex-wife named Tammy That's right. Ron has two ex-wives, each named Tammy.
Ron Swanson: [to camera] Both of them bitches.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: Yes, my mom's name is Tammy. What's your point?

Ron Swanson: Tom, that was a Jaeger-secret. You just breached a Jaeger-secret.
Donna: Damn, this just heated up quick!

Leslie Knope: Ta-da! That looks great.
Ann: Yeah? Will you be wearing it out of the store today, madame?
Leslie Knope: [British accent] I think I will, good lady.

Leslie Knope: I know it sounds crazy, I'm a grown woman, but I am just not good on first dates.
Ann: Oh, okay. Okay. You have a problem, and this is how we're gonna fix it.
Leslie Knope: I know what you're thinking. I wear an earpiece, you sit at a table nearby, you speak into a mic, you tell me what to say on the date. But let me tell you something, Ann, it never works.
Ann: No, no, no. We are gonna go to a restaurant and have a practice date. I will pretend to be Dave, and you will practice on me.
Leslie Knope: That's a way better idea.

Tom: Ree-Ron! You remember my wife, Wendy Haverford.
Ron Swanson: Of course. Yeah, hi. How are things at the hospital?
Wendy: Very good, thank you. I just got a pediatric surgery fellowship.
Ron Swanson: Oh, nice.
Tom: We're celebrating, 'cause she's super rich and super hot also.
Wendy: Okay. Come on, Tommy. Cut it out.
Tom: You're super hot. Everybody else has to deal with it. Let's get out of here. See you later, Ron.