Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I think it's a real shame when people focus on the tawdry details of a scandal. Personally, all I care about is Councilman Dexhart's policies. Not whether he was high on nitrous and cocaine during the cave sex. Which, by the way, I heard he was.

Perd Hapley: [on TV] One more shocking revelation in a story that just won't stop unfolding. It turns out Councilman Dexhart may have also had sex with a prostitute in the limousine on the way to and from the press conference where he apologized for having an affair. Perd Hapley, Channel Four Eyewitness News.
Mark: Why does anybody wanna run for public office? You're just asking to have your entire life exposed.
Tom: Well, if you're squeaky clean, like I am, there's no problem.
Mark: Tom, you're married, and you hit on women constantly.
Tom: Yeah, but I've never sealed the deal. Just window-shopping. You can fly to Brazil, just don't enter the cave. Am I right? Up top!

Ann: And he looked up at me, and he said, "Thank you. You saved my life."
Leslie Knope: Yeah. Hey, listen, I'm really nervous about this date tomorrow night. Do you have, like, a first date outfit I can borrow? Like, I don't know, a pair of cargo pants?
Ann: Yeah, I wouldn't go with a cargo pant.
Leslie Knope: What about, like, a sexy hat?
Ann: I don't know what that even is.
Leslie Knope: Helping already.
Ann: Do you wanna just come by after work today?
Leslie Knope: Sure. Yeah. Tonight? Several hours from now?
Ann: Or you could just come over now?
Leslie Knope: I think that would be better. Yeah, that would give us more time. Let's go.

Leslie Knope: Hey, while I have you, can I ask you a question?
Ann: Shoot.
Leslie Knope: What if he asks me if I've been married?
Ann: Have you?
Leslie Knope: No.
Ann: Well, then, say that.
Leslie Knope: But then he'll wonder why I haven't been married. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna say that I was married. The real question is, should I say that I have kids. Guys like girls that have kids, right?
Ann: Whoa!
Leslie Knope: What if I get drunk and I talk about Darfur too much? Or not enough? What if I don't bring up Darfur enough?

Leslie Knope: Hey, Dave, it's me. It's Leslie.
Ann: Hi, Leslie. It's good to see you.
Leslie Knope: Hi! [goes into hug Ann]
Ann: You don't wanna do that quite yet.
Leslie Knope: So, Dave. Let's begin our conversation.
Ann: What's on the note cards?
Leslie Knope: They're possible topics of conversation.
Ann: "Whales, parades, electricity." And the rest are blank.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, well, I couldn't think of anything else.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: Leslie's in worse shape than I thought. [Leslie laughs in the background] Is she practice-laughing?
Leslie Knope: Oh, Dave... you!

Leslie Knope: The Danish call it "op og ned apparat," which literally translated means the "up and down machine."
Ann: Wow, that's a thorough history of the teeter-totter. Now I'm gonna talk about the local flora and fauna found in Pawnee. What's amazing...
Ann: Okay. You know what? Just ask me a question. Just try to get to know me.
Leslie Knope: Okay. I can't think of anything to ask you. I'm sorry. My mind is blank.
Ann: Just ask me the first thing that comes to your head.
Leslie Knope: How big is it? [cringes]
Ann: Really?
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God. [drinks]

Jerry: Hey, Mark. A little birdie told me that you have one unpaid parking ticket.
Mark: Well, that's funny, because a little birdie told me that your adoptive mother was arrested for marijuana possession.
Donna: Oh, snap!
Jerry: What?
Mark: You didn't know that, huh?
Jerry: I didn't know I was adopted.
Mark: Oh, no. Oh, Jerry. Oh, Jerry. I'm so sorry.
Jerry: I really didn't wanna play.
Mark: That was not my intention.
Tom: It's not your fault. He totally baited you with that unpaid parking ticket.

Ron Swanson: Tom, could you come into my office? Tom-ato sauce.
Tom: Ron-tonamo Bay.
Ron Swanson: Do be seated. And congratulate me.
Tom: For what?
Ron Swanson: Winning the game. I just found out, through some pretty impressive investigating, that your wedding was a sham. It's a green card marriage.
Tom: That's crazy. I was born in South Carolina. These colors don't run, baby.
Ron Swanson: Yes, but Wendy was born in Ottawa, Canada. Her visa was set to expire the day after you got married at the county courthouse in front of three strangers and no family.
Tom: Okay. We met in college. She wanted to work in the States, she couldn't get a permit...
Ron Swanson: I knew it. I knew you couldn't get a wife as hot as her.
Tom: Seriously, Ron. Games aside, you gotta keep this between us. Don't tell anybody, please.
Ron Swanson: Now, come on. Don't worry. I'm not gonna turn you in. Just admit that when it comes to digging up dirt, I bested you in this game. Say it. Say, "I bested you."
Tom: Fine. You bested me. Is that all?
Ron Swanson: No. I'll have your wife tonight.
Tom: What?
Ron Swanson: I'm just kidding. Get out of here.

Ann: Hey. Can I help you at 11:48 p. m?
Mark: Okay, here's the whole thing. Here are all my skeletons. When I was 16, I had sex with a married woman.
Ann: Right.
Mark: When I was in college, I smoked a decent amount of pot.
Ann: Uh-huh.
Mark: Nothing insane. When I tell you what...
Ann: What the hell are you doing?
Mark: What I'm doing is, I'm trying to tell you that I've done some stuff that I'm not very proud of. But I like you. So, I would rather you not find out about this from anyone but me. This was a bad idea.
Ann: No, no. It's fine. I get what this is, and why you did it.
Mark: Is there anything that you would like to share from your past, to sort of balance the scales?
Ann: Yeah. One time this guy rang my doorbell at midnight, to brag about getting laid when he was 16, so I shot him.
Mark: Good night.

Leslie Knope: Did you see my bra? Mmm? Bee, boop. Guess what? I'm wearing the hot one tomorrow, the black one.
Dave Sanderson: Okay.
Leslie Knope: Can I use your bathroom?
Dave Sanderson: Yes.
Leslie Knope: Are you impressed that I know what it's called?
Dave Sanderson: Look, maybe I ought to give you a lift home.
Leslie Knope: Good. Well, in London, they call elevators "lifts." So, you're gonna give me an elevator home?
Dave Sanderson: No, thank you. Okay. Let's... Let's go. Okay?
Leslie Knope: Okay. Let's go... [British accent] ...down to the pub...
Dave Sanderson: That's right. To the pub.
Leslie Knope: ...get a pint. We'll put our knickers in The Beatles records.
Dave Sanderson: Okay, yeah. That's...
Leslie Knope: This is an English accent.