Ben: Look, guys, I'm sorry about all the new rules, But, you know, I want you to like me. But I also really need you to respect me.
Andy: I respect you, little buddy. Come here. Mm, respect noogie.
Ben: Ah!
Donna: We didn't prank you 'cause we don't respect you. We did it 'cause we love you.
Andy: [sings] R-e-s-p-e-g-c
Ben: Well, that's actually not how respect is spelled.
April: Yes.
Andy: According to Urethra Franklin, that's exactly how it's spelled.

Leslie Knope: Great news, guys. I just saved your bacon.
Ron Swanson: Impossible. You don't even know where it is.

Leslie Knope: I know you were excited to get in front of the committee and rip it, but in the spirit of teamwork, I unilaterally decided to bring Stu out of retirement. So pressure's off.
Tom: What? I spent a lot of time on this.
Leslie Knope: Doin' what, putting mousse in your hair?
Tom: It's a gel-based serum. Second of all, who uses mousse still? Oh, God. Leslie. Let's put our differences aside for a second. Friend to friend, do you still use mousse?
Leslie Knope: No, I use the juicy space thing. Whatever you do.

Andy: Bathroom breaks should be limited to five minutes? I can't shower in five minutes.

Leslie Knope: Hey, Tom, I don't mean to bug you or anything, but I notice that my super system binder is closed. Just checking that you had a chance to refamiliarize yourself entirely.
Tom: Yeah, flipped through it. Looks good.
Leslie Knope: Huh. You're lying. I placed a single strand of hair along the edge, and that secret strand is unbroken.
Ron Swanson: Whose hair is that? It's brown.

Ben: Anyway, I want you guys to think of my office as a clubhouse, total open-door policy. I wanna be your friend as well as your boss.
April: What the hell is wrong with you? Are you in a cult? Can I join? Let's sacrifice Larry.
Ben: [laughs] Oh, April.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: It's my first day as city manager, so I'm holding open office hours to break the ice. Now, Chris was always the nice guy that made everyone happy, while I brought down the hammer. But now that he's gone, I kind of have to do both. Everyone is the best. We're cutting vacation time. Let's eat vitamins. This is exhausting.

Leslie Knope: Well, Ron, you were right. Tom has really grown up.
Ron Swanson: You seem merely overjoyed instead of irritatingly ecstatic. Why?
Leslie Knope: Well, Tom's come into his own. April runs Animal Control. I mean, does this department even need me anymore?
Ron Swanson: No. We do not. April and Tom started out as two of the most apathetic people I had ever met. It's why I hired them. Then you betrayed me and turned them into efficient and caring government employees. This office can indeed function without you. And soon, it'll have to.
Leslie Knope: Was that a death threat?
Ron Swanson: We both know you're not gonna be here forever. This is a weigh station on the road to bigger and better things. Whenever you do move on, it should please you to know that - God help me - you've built a well-functioning government agency.

Leslie Knope: Hello, I am Leslie Knope, and I am here to interview for the Deputy Parks Director job.
Ron Swanson: Leslie, this is ridiculous. It's your job. Take it.
Leslie Knope: Well, I should have to interview just like everyone else.
Ron Swanson: Mm.
Leslie Knope: Now, if you'll see on my resume, I held the position of Deputy Director of Parks and Recreation for almost ten years.
Ron Swanson: I know. I was your boss. I also walked you down the aisle at your wedding. Take the job and leave me alone.

Leslie Knope: Come on, Ron. Just interview me. No special treatment.
Ron Swanson: Okay, fine. What do you believe should be the ultimate goal of this department?
Leslie Knope: The ancient Greek version of the park was the agora, a gathering place where people from all walks of life-- What are you writing? Is it good?
Ron Swanson: What do you think is the best use of our yearly budget?
Leslie Knope: It's right there in the name: Maintaining our beautiful parks and providing healthy outdoor recreation.
Ron Swanson: I'm sorry, Ms. Knope, the correct answer is "Give it all back to the taxpayers." It seems you and I have fundamentally different philosophies. Frankly, it's a miracle we ever worked together without killing each other. Good day.
Leslie Knope: Ha, ha, okay. No more goofing around. Just tell me I have the job.
Ron Swanson: I have a lot of other people to meet with. I'll be in touch.
Leslie Knope: Ron, come on, it's me. Give me special treatment.

Leslie Knope: No. What idea?
Ron Swanson: The fella who runs the hot stew stand in Lafayette Park is retiring, so Pawnee's new business liaison, Tom, went out and got the Indiana Brothers Juice Company to rent it out as a lemonade stand.
Leslie Knope: Wow.
Tom: [pop, fizz] Plus, I downloaded this dope app that pops champagne whenever I say something awesome.
Leslie Knope: Tom, that's great.
Tom: I know. And it was only 9 bucks.
Leslie Knope: No, I mean, the lemonade-- never mind.