Chris: Fun fact about me. I recently began intensive psychotherapy. I may have mentioned that to you already.
Ron Swanson: Several times.
Chris: Well, like my therapist says, "You can't share too much or too often."
Jerry: You know, Gayle and I, we saw a couples therapist for a little while.
Chris: That's too much, Jerry.
Donna: For real. Keep us out your bedroom.

Chris: It used to be, when I was down, I called my mother. When I lacked self-confidence, I called my running coach. And now, no matter what emotion I'm feeling, I call one number: my therapist. I want to do the same thing for the city.
Andy: A psychotherapist for the city.
Chris: No, Andy. No. A 311 line. Citizens will call 311 for whatever problem they have. Uncollected garbage, broken streetlight, and we will direct them to the proper department.
Andy: Chris, great idea.
Chris: Thank you, Andy. I agree. I love this idea. And I love me for thinking of it. My therapist said that I need to be more vocal about appreciating myself. Thank you, Chris. You're welcome, Chris. I sound insane. I'm going to go talk to my therapist.

Leslie Knope: Okay, Pawnee Porpoises youth swim team, I have a question for you. What is your greatest accomplishment?
Tina: We came in fourth in the County swim meet last year.
Leslie Knope: Wrong, your greatest accomplishment is happening in two hours when this bill becomes law. [applause]
Tom: Yay.
Leslie Knope: I just want you to be very proud of yourselves, because this bill is going to start a long romance between the city and its government. Porpoise call! [imitating porpoise noise]
Tina: What are you doing?
Leslie Knope: I'm doing a porpoise call, which we used to do when I was part of your group, but it seems like you don't do it any more and that's fine. I'm not weird. Okay, everybody leave. I'll see you at the city council meeting.

April: Hey, are you busy? And writing Star Trek fan fiction does not count.
Ben: Ha ha ha.I... finished it last week. What's going on?
April: Um, I miss Andy. And you probably miss your lover, Chris.
Ben: Leslie.
April: I had an idea. It's Friday. Pawnee's only a ten-hour drive. Road trip?
Ben: Oh, I don't know, I was going to try to get a jump on some work this weekend.
April: Dude, 30 years from now, when you're on your deathbed, what are you going to remember? Organizing files or taking a spontaneous road trip to surprise Leslie?

Ben: [aside to camera] Oh, I'm excited to bond a little with April. She's like the little sister I never had. Because the little sister I do have is normal and not terrifying.
April: [mouths words to camera]

Jerry: Pawnee 311. How can I help-- Oh, no. No, this is not 911. No, no. This is 311. Donna, they switched my phone with 911. What do I do?
Donna: I don't know. Try to help. Now hush. It is heating up in this piece.
Jerry: Oh, that sounds awful.

Ben: Almost out of gas. I'll wait till we're on the highway. Now, the GPS says we should take 495 to 270, but check out this cool alternate route I fou--
April: Oh, my God, that is so interesting to me because I'm a map salesman.

Councilman Jamm: Oh, yeah, yeah. Beautiful, Tom. Beautiful. Dynamite gums.
Tom: Aw, thanks.
Councilman Jamm: Tom, do you want to know why I moved to Pawnee?
Tom: Sure.
Councilman Jamm: It's because the two leading industries here are corn syrup and rubber nipples. It is a dentistry jackpot. It's genius, right?
Tom: Well, D.D.S. doesn't stand for "dumb, dumb, stupid."
Councilman Jamm: [laughs] I like that. I'm going to steal it. That's mine now.

Leslie Knope: I have wanted this perm since middle school. I could not be more excited about this. Are you excited, Autumn?
Autumn: Yeah, definitely.
Leslie Knope: Do you ever give a perm to someone and ever regret it?
Autumn: Uh...
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Ann has told me repeatedly not to get a perm. But Ann's not here. So when the Ann's away, the mice get perms.

Mason: Wait... So this means the bill isn't going to pass?
Tina: My parents said that you guys can't get anything done.
Leslie Knope: Now, wait, okay, hold on. This isn't over by a long shot.
Mason: But it's three to two against us.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, I know how to do math, Mason. Okay, don't be an alarmist. It's very important that we stay positive. Our positive attitude is our greatest asset. Tom, a word, please.
Tom: Mm-hmm.
[later:]
Leslie Knope: The bill is dead, the Porpoises are doomed, and democracy is over. Oh, my God. I can't believe I decided to get a perm. Ann should have never let me do this.