Jean-Ralphio: I'm gonna tell you something that I once heard from a very, very smart woman named Kim.
Ben: The lady who waxes you?
Jean-Ralphio: She told me, "if you don't love what you do... Then why do it?" Then she ripped the hair from my b-hole. [ripping sound]

Chris: Anyway, you're not supposed to be here. You're suspended.
Leslie Knope: I totally understand that. I'm just going to, uh, take my flash drive and I'll do some work from home.
Chris: N... O. You are specifically prohibited from doing your job.
Leslie Knope: Oh, I'm not gonna do my job. I'm just gonna oversee the department, and check in on the parks, and attend any meetings that require the deputy director.
Chris: Leslie. Go home and give me the flash drive. This is a nasal spray. Give me the flash drive.
Leslie Knope: Give me the nasal spray. On three. One...
Chris: Two...
Leslie Knope: Two... Three.
Chris: Okay, good. Now, in two weeks, you can-- Leslie Knope! I am much faster than you! I have bumble-flex!

Leslie Knope: Totally, the key is you have to keep yourself busy, or else you're gonna go crazy. I mean, look at me, look how busy I am. I'm inventing a new spice called "sal-gar." It's part salt, part sugar.
Ben: What could that possibly be good on?
Leslie Knope: Butterscotch pudding.
Ben: Fair enough.

Leslie Knope: Hi, hi, hi, hi. Sorry I'm late. I was off getting holiday gifts for my team. William, here is a Knope 2012 tree ornament.
William Barnes: Hey.
Leslie Knope: And Elizabeth, I got you a Knope 2012... Menorah...Maybe?
Elizabeth: No.
Leslie Knope: No, okay. Then I got you a tree ornament.

Barney: Financial analysis, automated general ledger accounting systems, audit management. Hmm, you've done everything.
Ben: Well, they call me "the Swiss Army Accountant." [laughs] They don't call me that.
Barney: They should.

Barney: Well, look, I think you'd be a great addition. Would you be willing to come back to meet the division head?
Ben: Yes, absolutely.
Barney: We'll set that up.
Ben: Okay, great. Thank you. Well, uh... Calc-you-later. [Barney laughs wildly] Oh, you like that one, huh?
Barney: [laughing] We do not get a lot of humor here, and when we do, it's wonderful.
Ben: Oh.
Barney: Ted! Come in here! [whispering] Say it to Ted when he comes in.

April: We could get Leslie some marshmallow fluff. I have some right here.
Andy: Correction, darling. You had some right here.
April: Did you just scoop it out of the jar with your hand like a bear?
Andy: Yes. I can't get it off. Can you help me?

Leslie Knope: Ben! I'm going crazy! First, they won't let me work in the parks department, now they won't let me campaign either. All I want to do is improve our town, and they won't let me do that!
Ben: You're putting an awful lot of sal-gar on your pasta.
Leslie Knope: This is just sugar.

Leslie Knope: Are you gonna take it?
Ben: Well, it pays well. The commute is a little long, but that's okay. I didn't love the carpeting, but... eh.
Leslie Knope: You know what I think? If you don't love it, take a month. See what else is out there.
Ben: Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, you can still improve the city. You can't work right now, or run a campaign. Do it as a private citizen.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God. I'll form a citizen action committee, I'll lobby from the outside, I'll harness the power of the community. Oh, my God, I finally have some work to do. Thank you so much for dinner, honey.
Ben: I can hear you breathing, and, yes, you can finish her pasta.
[Andy and April come in through the shutter doors]
Andy: Thank God. I'm so hungry. Mmm, it tastes like froot loops.

Leslie Knope: Wow! Great turn out. Okay, welcome everyone to the first meeting of the Parks Committee of Pawnee, or PCP.
Jeannie: Um, should we really be called "PCP"? See, because--
Leslie Knope: Yes, because, like the drug PCP, we are so fast-acting and powerful, we should be illegal. Now, what do you want to see fixed in the parks? Yes?
Diane: I've noticed that the White Hills hiking path could really use some upkeep. I was thinking we organize a letter-writing campaign.
Leslie Knope: Uh, I-I know for a fact that nobody in the Parks Department reads letters, except for one person, who is amazing, but s-he isn't currently there, because he was suspended.
Diane: How amazing can he be if he got suspended?
Leslie Knope: Pretty damn amazing, Diane. Now shush. If we want to get the government off their bloated, bureaucratic butts, then we need our voices to be heard, and that's what we're gonna do. Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose.