Donna: [aside to camera] Personalized, leopard-printed robe. Pink feather cuffs. And on the back, in rhinestones... "You can get it"!

Tom: [aside to camera] I know you're sad you couldn't get tickets to the "Watch the Throne" tour, so I got you a watch and a tiny throne instead. And check it out, she even took out the dumb clock part and put this in... "Baller Time."

Ron Swanson: We need to get Leslie something that erases the enormous emotional debt that has built up over years of this gift-giving imbalance. Everyone start thinking of ideas.
Jerry: Aw, jeez. Socks. She gets me.

Leslie Knope: Okay, so let's talk about damage control. Now, I could go on Pawnee Today, but-- and I know this is a long shot... Oprah has her own network now.
Elizabeth: Whoa, Leslie, slow down.
William Barnes: The first step is for us to figure out what we're up against, and we've already got polls out in the field, and we should have results back in a couple of days. Just stay out of the spotlight until we can figure out just how this, uh, incident has affected the voters.
Elizabeth: Sit tight, take a beat, relax.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: "Sit tight"? "Take a beat"? "Relax"? I don't really do any of those things. In fact, while I was in that meeting, I was also planning my mother's birthday party in my head. Strawberry margaritas! [gasps] Another use for sal-gar!

Tom: Behold! My latest attempt to drag this department into the 20th century.
Jerry: Tom, it's the 21st century.
Tom: I know. I'd settle for getting you into the 20th. I fed all of Leslie's emails, letters, and memos into a program and generated... A word cloud. This is how we can get gift ideas. The more she's mentioned a word, the larger it appears.
Ron Swanson: "Ben"... And much larger, "Ann." She definitely loves Ann.
Ann: Aww.

Ron Swanson: Okay. I have an idea. I will build a small wood model of the parks department. We can decorate our offices as they are in real life. It will be... Cute.
Ann: Wait! Better idea: We make a gingerbread version of the office. [all voice agreement]
Andy: That's so good!
Ron Swanson: I think the wood model is best.
Ann: And we can decorate our offices with candy canes and gumdrops!
Jerry: That would be so adorable!
Ann: Thanks, Ron! That's such a cute idea!
Ron Swanson: I have some great red birch with a nice spalting. I already have some scale wainscoting.

Tom: When I was trying to decide how to decorate my office, I had to ask myself, "What kind of candy should I choose?" Obviously chocolate, 'cause I'm sweet, smooth, and the ladies love me. Now the question still remained, "What kind of chocolate am I?" Do I have a little gooey, caramel center? Am I filled with little Rice Krispies? Maybe I'm white chocolate and I'm bucking all the stereotypes.
Ann: Oh, just put your damn candy out.
Tom: Ultimately, I decided to go with a little gourmet fudge. I didn't have time to make it into anything, and please don't eat it 'cause it cost $55 an ounce.

Donna: So I made my desk out of silver M&Ms. But they do not make silver m&ms, so I spray-painted them.
Ann: Okay, those are poisonous, so no one eat them.
Andy: [with silver lips] Yeah, duh.
Ann: Go throw up.
Andy: I didn't eat any.
Ann: Go throw up. Throw up.

Leslie Knope: Hello, I am Leslie Knope, and I represent the PCP. [applause] We have a list of six demands. Here they are in alphabetical order. Number one: Ants. Too many ants in the teen center. Number two: Tennis court improvements. Number three--
Jerry: Well, Les--um, ma'am, uh, this public forum, it is just about improvements that we can make to the rec center.
Leslie Knope: Speaking of which, the fact that yahtzee is not in the rec center is a tragedy on par with human trafficking. Slight exaggeration... Getting back to our demands. We will not be muzzled like a rabid dog. We are gonna take this all the way to the top.

Ben: Hey, Jean-Ralphio. How's it going?
Jean-Ralphio: It's going good, I'm actually right here for an appointmt. Getting a Brazilian. By the way, there's a woman over there that is unbelievable. Her name is Kim. When she rips it off, she smiles, and it makes you feel things. Throw my name, I get a referral discount. If you don't mind.
Ben: Okay.
Jean-Ralphio: I heard somebody resigned in disgrace. My question to you is, how you making that paper?
Ben: Oh, well, I've interviewed around, uh, but I'm actually about to take a job doing in-house accounting for an accounting firm.
Jean-Ralphio: Buh... I almost fell asleep during that sentence.
Ben: Okay.
Jean-Ralphio: Let me get this straight. You would be an accountant... for accountants?
Ben: Yeah.
Jean-Ralphio: So at this accounting firm, you would have the boring job? Are you nuts? This is probably the first time you've had off since you've been kid president. True or false? True. Why don't you use that time and go after one of your passions, like model trains or, like, or toy Gandalfs or something?
Ben: I don't know why you jumped straight to model trains. I mean... it's accurate.