Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] It's been a couple of months since Pawnee and Eagleton officially merged. Things are going... okay. There's still a little animosity between the two towns. I haven't seen Pawneeans this mad since Frankie's discontinued their pizza-stuffed-crust pizza. It was a pizza whose crust was stuffed with little pizzas. And the crust of those little pizzas was made of chocolate.

April: What kind of pet are you interested in adopting? We have dogs, cats, rabbits. Um, I work here, so, legally, you can adopt me.
Ron Swanson: The girls want an actual dog. And they want it to look like this.
April: Interesting. So, like a banana made of spiders?
Ron Swanson: I've said it before and I'll say it again, children are terrible artists. [to camera] And artists are crooks.

Jerry: Oh, I cannot wait for Leslie to see this surprise.
Ben: I am so prepared. I watched Enchanted three times to get all the details right. And then another two times, because that movie is amazing.
Jerry: Oh, it really is.

Ron Swanson: How much postage does it take to send a letter to Canada?
April: Who's it going to?
Ron Swanson: Canada. It says, "Dear Canada, [bleep] you."

Ben: Oh, I can't believe I actually defeated Leslie Knope at a gift exchange. Yes!
Leslie Knope: Uh, yeah. About that. Happy anniversary.
Ben: [gasps] It's the Iron Throne. Ohh! It's the Iron Throne.
Leslie Knope: Yes, it is. I had a guy at the model store make a replica. He's a bigger Game of Thrones fan than you are. Okay, I know I'm making that dumb surprise face, but I can't help it. This is the greatest gift I've ever received, Leslie. When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die. Yes. No. Yes. No! Come here. Come hither, peasant. Come here. Who are you?
Leslie Knope: Our starship is in trouble.
Ben: Okay, Leslie, listen. If you're not... if you don't know what you're talking about...

Leslie Knope: "Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt were married one year ago this week at the Pawnee city hall. The bride wore a gown made by her friend Ann Perkins. And the groom wore a butt so perfect it could make an angel hang itself."
Ben: You wrote this, didn't you?
Leslie Knope: I did. They cut it way down.
Ben: Thank God.

Ben: Okay, so, the big day is tomorrow. So let's go over this again. What are the anniversary rules?
Leslie Knope: At least 100 kisses. Dinner at 7:00. And no gifts.
Ben: That's right, no gifts.
Leslie Knope: No gifts. No gifts.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Oh, I'm getting him a gift. I always say that I'm not gonna get him a gift. And Ben always believes me. And then, bam, I surprise him with the best gift of all time. He makes the cutest, dopiest face when he's surprised. It's like... Wha-a-a-at?

Ben: [aside to camera] I'm not gonna make my stupid surprise face this year because this time I got her the most amazing gift ever. And she'll never see it coming because I'm giving it to her today, one day early. So she's gonna make the face this year. She will make that stupid face!

April: Is this land mine still functional?
Ron Swanson: Partially. Why?
April: Because I want to blow up Donna's desk so I can teach her a lesson about what happens when you skip work.
Ron Swanson: I'm not sure that's how you should go about this.
April: I'm kind of her boss, now, but I still feel weird disciplining her. What do I do?
Ron Swanson: Look her in the eyes and tell her exactly what you need from her. Be mature, direct, and firm.
[cut to:]
Donna: What? Some fool just slammed me on Yelp.
[aside to camera:]
April: I took Ron's advice. I very maturely and straightforwardly left anonymous comments about Donna online.

Mrs. DeMarco: Can I help you?
Leslie Knope: Hello, Mrs. DeMarco, I am Leslie Knope, and we saw your announcement in the newspaper and we would love to treat you and your husband to a very special day.
Mr. DeMarco: All right. How much money did we win?
Leslie Knope: Oh, no, you didn't win any money, you won something better than money. A golden anniversary celebration.
Mrs. DeMarco: So no money.
Leslie Knope: No, and I'm now just realizing how misleading this giant check it.
Tom: Told you.
Leslie Knope: Yes, you did, Tom. Thank you. Now is not the time. We... [Mrs. DeMarco starts to close the door] Hey! Hey! We'll give you some money. Okay? Here, here's some money. Everybody give 'em money.
Andy: I got football cards, and a travel mouthwash.
Leslie Knope: Wow! That's great! Let's get started!