Tom: What up? What up?
Donna: Tommy! Oh, damn. Are you in Bali?
Tom: You know it.
Donna: Hold on. I gotcha. [computer beeps]
Tom: Oh, snap. My friend Donna's here too?
Donna: I'll cheers to that.
Both: Clink.

Donna: So who do I get next on the phone tree?
Tom: Well, I'm sorry, boo-boo. I hate to ruin your beach buzz...
Donna: Ugh. Okay. Vacation over. Bye, babe!
Tom: Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. I got an idea. Okay. Call him now.
Donna: Okay.
Jerry: [connect chime] Well, hello there, Donna.
Leslie Knope: [connect chime] Hey, Tom sent me this meeting number, and said Brené Brown was giving an emergency TED talk.
Leslie Knope: Oh, [bleep, Garry. You're not Brené Brown.
Jerry: Aww. It's great to see you too, Leslie.

Leslie Knope: Okay, Garry. Ben and I are doing a media blitz to give people an update on where things stand. So, I don't know. Maybe we could add in some Pawnee outlets. You know? And remind people about the official health guidelines and how important it is to stay connected.
[Jerry has now activated a steaming poop filter]
Jerry: That would be awesome. It is just so important that the people hear from their trusted leaders. You know in a... in a crucial time and a crucial moment in our history bec... [holding back tears] I'm sorry. I'm just getting a little emotional.

Dennis Feinstein: Hi. I'm Dennis Feinstein. And if you're anything like me in these uncertain times, you're searching for a new scent or musk that also repels and eradicates any and all viruses. Introducing "Miracle Cure", the cologne proven to kill anything it comes in contact with. How do I know that? Because every single animal that smelled it, tasted, or ingested it died. And what are viruses but tiny animals that live in your body? I know what you're thinking. Shouldn't this be tested out by "scientists", or looked at by "doctors"? No. You should listen to me, Dennis Feinstein, and my rich friends. We know what's best for you. Miracle Cure.

Ben: Well, Perd, self-quarantine can create a lot of anxiety. It's important that we keep in touch with friends, we go on walks with loved ones, maybe explore a creative side. I, for example, am polishing a script that just may be the most ambitious Claymation epic...
Leslie Knope: But... but... but... but... but what my husband I think is trying to say is that, you know, by any means possible, we should try to stay connected with each other. I can't talk to my friends every day, but I try to check in with my best friend, Ann, who is smart and beautiful like a desert fox.
Perd Hapley: That sounds scary.
Leslie Knope: She's actually volunteering as a nurse right now in Michigan. Which is another way that people can feel useful. You know? Please donate your time, your money, your expertise in any way you can. We need everyone's help.

Jeremy Jamm: Hello. I'm Dr. Jeremy Jamm. This is a very stressful time for all of us. And I'm sure you're all thinking the same thing. How am I, Dr. Jeremy Jamm, doing right now? Well guess what. I'm doing great. Gave myself this pretty sweet quarantine haircut. Totally nailed it. I'm also offering a brand new service... Home Dental Delivery. You give me your credit card. I drop off at your house a bunch of needles, gauze pads, drills. And then we'll get on the computer. I'll walk you through your, uh, your root canal or whatever you got going on. Is it legal? Probably. Is it safe? That's up to you. You eff this up, it's your own fault. Jamm Orthodontia. Now you can Jamm yourself.

Jean-Ralphio: Ooooo-ooooo! Well, hello. Where have you been hiding, you sexy little beast? It's your boy, Jean Ralphio. And guess who just got run over by a Porsche? [cash register chimes] This dude did not wanna go to court. So I am flush with cash. [cash register chiming] Saturated with bills. First thing I did? Obviously, I got this enormous house. There is no furniture in here... [camera shutter clicking] .. so everything echoes! [echoing] Second thing I did with the racks on racks on racks... I got some commercial time. Now I know what you're thinking. "Does he have a business? No, he doesn't have a business. So what is he advertising?" Sha-boosh. This is my personal phone number. Call me anytime you want. I am that bored. And also, I have been banned from Cameo. [sings] For doing my videos naked Naked. Please call me. I am very sad.

Leslie Knope: Oh, my God, is that Tammy 2?
Ron Swanson: Yep. Apparently, she's been camping outside this whole time, waiting for just the right moment to strike. I think her intention was to join us in our marital bed...
Tammy Two: Mm-hmm.
Leslie Knope: Eew!
Ron Swanson: And then, what, wrap a piano wire around my throat?
Tammy Two: Uh-uh-uh!
Ron Swanson: Oh, apparently... not my throat.
Tammy Two: Ha ha ha ha!
Leslie Knope: What? Eew! Eew-eew-eew!

Ron Swanson: How are you holding up?
Leslie Knope: Not so great. You know, I just feel guilty that I can't check in more.
Ron Swanson: You can't? You forced us all into a daily phone tree.
Leslie Knope: But I can only talk to one person at a time. And sometimes those people are talking to each other without me... it's torture! [phone chimes] Oh, okay, I have to take that. All right... I love you. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Just make sure you call the next person.

Leslie Knope: Hi.
Ben: Hey. So I've been reading over my screenplay...
Leslie Knope: And it's nonsense?
Ben: Yeah! I mean, I don't even remember writing some of this. I think I need to pay more attention to my mental and emotional health.
Leslie Knope: Me too.