Leslie Knope: We asked Johnny to come on your show and speak to the children of Pawnee.
Andy: Chuuh. That's right, children. Listen, I know things are weird now. You're at home. You... miss school. Ha! How strange is that? You actually miss school. Your parents are home as well, and they're trying to teach you and it turns out they can't teach you jack because they are so dumb. Well, kids, Johnny Karate wants you to know you must stay strong and be nice to your parents. Also... chh, chh... these... wash them. Wash your hands. And I know what you're thinkin'. I'm a 38-year-old man, and I've literally never once washed my hands in my entire life.
Leslie Knope: Andy, have you never washed your hands before?
Andy: Point is, if we pull together, you and I can karate... chop... this... virus! Whhhh!
[title: "Note: the virus cannot be karata-chopped"]
Andy: Things will go back to normal. They just have to, and... it might not be today. It might not be tomorrow. It might not be next week. Might not be a year or a hundred years or a thousand years. It might never happen.
Ben: Dude.
Andy: But it will eventually. Boys, girls, this is Johnny Karate signing out. Chhha! Waai-chi-iii! [groans] Ohh... Oh, when I did the kick, I pulled something kinda...
Leslie Knope: Johnny, we can still see you.
Andy: Oh, right in my butthole.

Perd Hapley: Thank you, Johnny Karate for that very inspiring and confusing message. I am now gonna close this little box that you're in and look at some funny photos of doggies.

Ron Swanson: In any case, I subdued her rather easily and Diane tied her to this chair. We were in the middle of sterilizing the place with bleach when you called.
Leslie Knope: What are you gonna do with her?
Ron Swanson: I'll probably put a note around her neck and leave her down at the fire station.

Leslie Knope: Thank you very much for doing this for me, Ron.
Ron Swanson: It was easy. I just called all your friends and told them I thought you needed a little help. They cleared their schedules.
Leslie Knope: I miss you very much, and I love you. Now, go take Tammy to the fire station.
Ron Swanson: We actually just covered her in deer fat and left her out for the wolves.
Leslie Knope: Ron!
Ron Swanson: Don't worry. She's fine. She chewed through her ropes and went running off into the night. I'm actually a little worried for the wolves.

Bobby Newport: That's it? Just press that? Hello? What... oh. Hi. My name is Bobby Newport. And as you can see, I'm in Switzerland at my family's private fox hunting estate. But I haven't caught any yet. They're so fast. You get close and it's like... zoom... they're gone. Anyway, my friend Leslie Knope asked me if I would read this message. "Recently, the cast and writers of Parks and Recreation decided to reunite the cast and make a one-time special to raise money for people hurt by the coronas. We, along with NBC Universal, our neighbors at State Farm, and our friends at Subaru, will be matching donations to Feeding America, a non-profit organization that helps people facing hunger all over the country. Please visit the website and give if you can. We hope you enjoy this Parks and Recreation special". What is she talking about? Something going on? I... I haven't watched the news lately. What?

Leslie Knope: I gotta go. Keep the phone tree going, Ron.
Ron Swanson: Who do I have to call for my second face-to-face conversation?
Leslie Knope: According to today's random drawing, you are calling... Garry.
Ron Swanson: Bully. [disconnect chime]
April: Hey.
Ron Swanson: Hello.
April: You got us for the phone tree?
Ron Swanson: No, I got Garry, but I called you.

Ron Swanson: Well... I am going to go now.
April: Wait... who are we supposed to call next?
Ron Swanson: I suppose you should call Garry.
April: Okay. [disconnect chime]
Andy: No [bleep] way we're calling Garry, right?
April: No. Gross. No.

April: Okay. Well, gotta go. Uh, remember, everybody. Wash your hands and throw all your jewelry in a ditch in the backyard. Good-bye.
Leslie Knope: [connect chime] Hi, everyone. I'm here now.
April: Hi, Leslie. Bye, Leslie. One of you has to call Garry now. Hah.

Leslie Knope: I know were not my designated call, but I had two minutes before my next meeting, and I just wanted to say hi and that I love you and I miss your beautiful face and your beautiful voice and I'm worried about you.
Both: Oh, thank you.
Chris: Oh. You were talking about Ann. [chuckles] Okay. I'll go now.

Leslie Knope: Hang in there, Tom. Let's keep this phone tree going, okay?
Tom: Yep, yep. Who am I calling?
Ann: Garry.
Tom: [laughing] I'm not calling Garry.