Nick: I can't be normal around Reagan. She's too hot and mysterious. I mean, I haven't peed in four days, which is alarming because I have been drinking constantly. [drinks] Yep. Nothing.

Winston: Why don't you just be honest about why you're breaking up with her?
Reagan: I don't... know. I just feel like it's over.
Winston: Let me tell you about some reasons why I've been broken up with. Um, "you're too nasty in bed,
Winston." Or "you remind me of my brother, Winston." Or... or "Winston, you spend too much time in the butterfly house."

Nick: Maybe Winston was right. How well do we know this Reagan character? I mean, sure, she wears a wig. Not a big deal. Or, let me ask you, is it a big deal? Ask yourself, what type of person wears a wig? A bald person? Sure. I'll say so. They're bald. Somebody hiding something? Definitely.
Cece: Okay, look. Maybe she's not hiding anything, all right? Beyoncé, Beyoncé wears wigs, and you would trust Beyoncé with your life.
Nick: Yeah, I'd trust Beyoncé with my life.
[flashback:]
Nick: [sings] Ride it with my surfboard Surfboard, surfboard Bringin' on that wood, oh, baby, bringin' on that wood!
[present:]
Nick: We be all night. We be all night.
Cece: Nick, is it possible that you are maybe overthinking this just a little bit, okay? 'Cause, look, Reagan is
a really good roommate. She's quiet, she pays, she takes care of her room.
Nick: Her room. That's it. Great thinking. That's why I love you. That's why. Not physically. Uh, but as a person. Like, um, it's not sexual. I love you like a mother or a sister or a girlfriend. It's not sexual. Her room!

Cece: Okay, someone has to put everything back exactly like they found it.
Schmidt: Well, it clearly is gonna be me, 'cause I'm the only one who can fold. Nick, what are you doing?
Nick: I'm making a mess, but I'm finding the truth.
Schmidt: Okay, I'm gonna end this. Nick, Reagan doesn't wear a wig. We made the whole thing up.
Nick: But I smelled it and I saw it. We couldn't get you out of our room. Why would you lie to me?
Schmidt: Well, we wouldn't need to lie to you if you would just talk to Reagan instead of hiding out in my room with your cheap Southwestern food.
Nick: Talk to her? Like a normal human being?
Schmidt: Yes, that's exactly what I want you to do.
Cece: Yes. Mm-hmm.
Nick: I have nothing in common with that woman. She is a goddess who's descended from the heavens. And I'm just a mud man from the bowels of Chicago.

Cece: We all owe you an apology for... pretty much everything. I'm sorry that we went through your room.
Reagan: Well, that's not what I'm upset about. I mean, I went through all of your rooms when I first moved in.
Cece: Excuse me?
Schmidt: Wait, you went through our rooms?
Nick: Oh, no.
Reagan: How else am I supposed to get to know you? But the point is I didn't jump to conclusions. I mean, Nick has a two-by-four in his room with a nail in it. I didn't assume he was building a human cage.
Nick: I'm building a tree house.
Schmidt: You're doing wha... you're building a tree house? Well, why am I not involved? Why is Cece not involved? We want to be involved.
Cece: Oh, I'm involved. So's Winston.
Schmidt: What? Everyone's involved in the tree house but I? Forget about it. Reagan, how would you like
to build a tree house with me?
Reagan: No.
Nick: Reagan, we already got plans, we already got a two-by-four.

Schmidt: We happen... we happen to all be Japanese. The unlucky offspring of a couple very lucky American GIs.
Nick: Unnecessary backstory.
Schmidt: Yeah, they call me the Moyel on the streets, 'cause I will, uh... [clicks tongue] ...cut your penis off. Isn't that right, Sharky?
Nick: You're on your own, Moyel.
Cece: And they call me Cece, but spelled S-I-S-I, with an accent over the last I. I am spinning out here, Moyel.
You got to help me.
Schmidt: Why don't you go spin all the way over to your tree house?
Winston: Schmidt knows about the tree house?

Cece: So I went full Nick, huh?
Schmidt: Yes, you went full Nick.
Cece: Right, yeah, I see that now.
Nick: I'm full Nick every day. Imagine how that feels.

Winston: Oh, Reagan. What's up?
Reagan: Hey. So, uh, I just jogged past a guy that's offering donkey rides for $50. Feel like that's too much for a donkey ride, right?
Nick: [mouth full] It's a dog, not a donkey. I know that guy. His name is... His name is Stan. Stan. S-T-A-N. His dog's name's Cheerio. Hold on. [drinks beer] It's not a donkey. Um, it's a dog.
Schmidt: That was painful, Nick. It's like watching Cece make a bed.

Winston: The fact of the matter is, is that she don't want to hang out with us. She's our roommate, but she being straight up discourteous. Reagan, why don't you join the fiesta, huh? I'll make up a pitcher of margaritas.
Reagan: That's tempting, but, uh, if I have one margarita, I'll have eight; and if I have eight, end up riding that donkey all the way to Santa Monica, so...
Nick: [laughing with mouth full] It'd be great to watch you ride a donkey!
Reagan: Thanks, but no, thanks.
Nick: There's extra toilet paper in the bathroom! It's... [door opens and closes]
Schmidt: Are you hiding toilet paper again?

Winston: I can't do this. Did she hit us with a "No, thanks"? How about this? No, thanks, to your "No, thanks." Here's what I'm gonna do-- I'm gonna make her hang out with us whether she wants to or not. Oh, yeah, this woman just made my nonsexual to-do list.
Cece: You have a sexual to-do list?
Schmidt: Cece, don't ask.
Winston: Number one...
Cece: I regret it already.
Winston: Joan Allen.