Schmidt: You know, when we first met, I had to pretend that all kinds of things were wrong with you just so I wouldn't freak out. You know, like, I gave you a glass eye for a while. You had a wooden foot for a short period of time. There was one week where I pretended that you were a Democrat.
Cece: I am a Democrat.
Schmidt: [laughing] Ah, that's so funny. I love you.
Cece: Okay. So we tell Nick she has a glass eye.
Schmidt: He'll spin out. He'll think the eye is a government-issued camera taking pictures for Langley. [Cece scoffs] Nick's a conspiracy theorist. It's like an Irish carnival up there-- just potato peels, broken rides, fiddle music, dreams left unfulfilled, bloodied soccer jerseys, bunch of women limping around named Moira.

Camilla: Are you really gonna let her get away with this? You must know how this makes me feel. You've clearly been dumped many times.
Winston: Why do people keep saying that?
Camilla: You ordered a Shirley Temple.
Winston: It's a virgin Denzel.

Winston: Okay. So I'm Camilla. Break up with me.
Reagan: [clears throat] [scoffs] Camilla...
Winston: Yes, baby. I love you so much.
Reagan: We have had a lot of really good times together, and I just...
Winston: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, oh, my goodness, oh, my God! I knew this was comin'. Oh, my God, oh, my goodness.
Reagan: What-what are you doing?
Winston: Oh, no. Are you breaking up with me? Why you hate me? Why you hate me so much?
Reagan: I don't... I don't hate you. I don't hate you.
Winston: Oh, my God, you don't? Oh, my goodness. So you're not breaking up with me. We're gonna have such a happy life together.
Reagan: I-I... I am. I am breaking up with you.
Winston: Oh, my God, you is breakin' up with me. Why you is breakin' up with me and stuff? Yo, this is mad crazy. I'm pregnant with your child. Okay.
Reagan: That isn't possible.
Winston: Yeah, his name is D'Lante.
Reagan: We would never name our child that.
Winston: Yeah. D-apostrophe-Lante.

Nick: Come on, come on, come on, come on. Oh! Jackpot. Ribbons! Oh, these are probably Jess's.
Schmidt: Nick, stop. You should not be in here.
Nick: I am learning so much about you, Reagan. An Ohio State T-shirt. Cash from Canada. It's Canadian cash. A picture of a little boy. This woman is like an orange. You peel a layer, there's another layer there.
Schmidt: You're thinking of an onion. An orange only has one layer. Oh, you poor thing.

Schmidt: Nick, we're making sex.
Nick: It hasn't started yet. It's not sex until you put the straw in the coconut.
Schmidt: It's called foreplay, you tween. You don't just buy a Porsche off the lot and immediately enter it in the Groser Preis von Deutschland.
Nick: What?
Schmidt: The Groser Preis von Deutschland.

Reagan: What is wrong with you? What is wrong with you? I am hooking up with her. I'm dating her a little bit, but I'm over it, and I'm trying to avoid her. What are you telling people I'm here for a month for?
Winston: Oh, you see what we're doing right now? We're vibing, we're talking about stuff! Okay, now it's my turn. Let me do you. Um... I think I swallowed a Band-Aid earlier.
Reagan: Now I have to dump her, and I have never dumped anybody before. I don't know how. I travel so much that I usually just disappear.
Winston: Wow. Okay. I will help you break up with her.
Reagan: Why? 'Cause you've been dumped, like, a million times?
Winston: No. Because I'm your roommate, and we have each other's backs. Wait a minute. What makes you think I've been dumped a lot?
Reagan: Please. I read you guys the moment I got there. Nick's deal is, he honest-to-God might be 50. Schmidt's deal is he had to Shazam "Stairway to Heaven." And your deal is you've been dumped a lot.
Winston: You're pretty good. You're pretty good.

Cece: Who has fake I.D.'s?
Nick: I'll tell you who. Con men. Grifters. It's all starting to make sense to me. Check this out. Let me break this down for you. Okay? She and her bastard son...
Schmidt: Or her nephew.
Nick: ...who she had with the Ohio State professor, go town to town, selling... let's say fake pills. Pills. Doctor. Pharmacy. Whatever she does. To a bunch of maple-sucking tree huggers. Aka those lovely stoners from the north, our Canadian brothers and sisters.

Reagan: Look, Camilla, I, uh... I don't want to... I don't want to hurt you.
Camilla: Just say it.
Reagan: Okay. [clears throat] The truth is... ...that I'm a criminal.
Winston: What?
Reagan: I'm a criminal. You shouldn't be with me. I'm disgusting. Things I've done. Things I'm capable of. Hard life, short life-- I probably won't live that long.
Camilla: I can't believe this.
Nick: She's a criminal. Filthy. Disgusting crimes. One of the worst human beings I've ever met in my life.
Camilla: And who are you?
Nick: I'm her, uh, co-criminal. Co-gangster. We run the streets together. From Bangkok to Chicago to here. Just murdering people. My name is Nick. On the streets, they call me, uh...
Reagan: Sharky.
Nick: Sharky, that's right. 'Cause I attack from beneath up.
Cece: It's all true, Camilla. And her name is not Reagan. It's Suzi Shimizu. [hands over ID]
Camilla: You're Japanese?
Reagan: Very much so.

Winston: Reagan, I have been broken up with so many times in so many different places. Um, multiple parks, coffee shops, uh, Santa's lap, Kitchen Stadium on Iron Chef, airplanes in economy, economy select, economy comfort, platinum economy, all covered in butterflies...
Reagan: I feel like we have established your credentials.

Winston: Hey. Uh, where'd you get these burritos? From the spot on the corner?
Nick: Mmm. Yeah, the spot on the corner.
Winston: You know I helped a lady give birth in the kitchen?
Cece: Ugh.
Nick: That's disgusting. [keeps eating] A baby in the middle of the place.
Schmidt: I knew that wasn't going to stop you. Disgusting.