Winston: [ahem] It's hard to believe it's been a whole year since Furguson's departure. As you all know from my many e-mails and a sponsored tweet, I looked at Furguson as Jewish. So, in the Jewish tradition, we unveil his gravestone on the first anniversary of his passing. Furgie accomplished a lot in his time on Earth... eating, sleeping, walking around, doing that thing with his paw. You know, where he licked it a whole bunch? [chuckles] Yeah, he lived a full life. Schmidt, will you begin the service?
Schmidt: Yit'gadal v'yit'kadash sh'mei raba. Amen.
All: Amen.

Jess: Guys, whatever it is going on between you two needs to end now, so we can go back in there and celebrate the life of a cat, who, by the way, loved you both like sons. Now, what is it? Nick, are you mad 'cause Coach said something bad about wolves? Coach, are you mad 'cause he still thinks that the movie should be called Paul Blop: Mall Cop?
Nick: It should be. It's so close to rhyming perfectly. They gave up.
Coach: Blart is an actual last name. "Blop" is a sound effect.
Nick: I need to get out of this situation before I get very angry.

Winston: Oh, my God, he's scared. Man, don't be scared.
Aly: He loves you.
Winston: Yeah, I'm here, okay? Baby, he's not wearing any tags. Which means he's a stray. Can we...?
Aly: Okay, yes, but only if you feed him from one of those bottles like in a zoo documentary, 'cause I like that, that's cute as hell.

Sam: Just want to say I'm so sorry for your loss. I made a casserole.
Winston: Can I have it?
Sam: Y-Yeah, that's why I brought it. Here.
Winston: Mmm.
Sam: You like my shirt? It's got cats on it.
Winston: Oh, yeah. A lot of cats on there.
Sam: You know how you like bird shirts, this one has... this one has cats.
Winston: Oh, I actually wear fish shirts now.
Sam: I'm trying so hard, man.

Jess: I'm just so sorry, and can you ever forgive me?
Winston: Jess, Furguson died of a heart attack.
Jess: What?
Winston: Yes. The coroner said nothing about glitter.
Nick: Did you say "coroner"?
Winston: Yeah, I had a coroner check him out. It was quite possibly the most bizarre of my small-time abuses of police power.

Nick: She's not a bad person. She just did a bad thing.
Jess: Don't try to save me, Nick. [Jess clears throat] I was catsitting at the loft and I was doing crafts that involved glitter. There was a glitter sale at Kraftwerk... the store, not the German band from the '80s. And I spilled a bowl of purple, and Furguson took a bite. And an hour later, Winston came to pick him up. And the next day, he died.
Coach: None of this rhymes.
Jess: I did a cat murder! I'm so sorry.

Jess: Um... I'm so sorry, Winston.
Winston: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Jess, calm down.
Jess: I talked to a cat psychic, she said he's in a good place. But then she also said he's with the cat from Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and I know that cat's a puppet. So I don't know how reliable she is.

Coach: Gooby! Gooby! Gooby!
Jess: Hey, Coach. So good to see you.
Coach: Good to see you.
Jess: I'm gonna need you to change, 'cause I was really specific about the dress code in the invitation.
Coach: Could I say hi to everybody first?
Jess: I don't love it, but I'll allow it.

Coach: Hey, guys! Player. Playette! Player.
Nick: Hey, Coach.
Coach: Gooby.
Winston: Coach, good to see you, man.
Coach: What kind of adult man wouldn't be here to support another adult man a year after his cat died?

Coach: My arm's swolt.
Nick: That just means big.
Coach: No, I use it to mean sore. 'Cause "swolt" sounds like it should be about pain. It's onomatopoeia.
Nick: [mocking] "It's onomatopoeia."
Coach: That's not how I said it.
Nick: Shut up.
Coach: You shut up. You looked better a little chunky.