Jess: Let's do it. Okay! The kitchen is Michelle's garden, the bathroom is Mary Todd Lincoln's sanitarium, and as always...
Nick: The floor is lava! Let's go! One, two, three, four!
Jess: Jackie O!
All: Eleanor!

Schmidt: Hillary headband hot potato!
All: Congress has her healthcare bill!

Louise: I know we're guests In this house, but it's awfully loud.
Schmidt: Mom! We're trying to play a game, god!

Jess: Sam was reaching for the ring and I freaked out. How do you know if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone?
Cece: You just know. I don't know. I can't put it into words.
Jess: Try! There are a lot of words out there, just pick some of them.
Cece: Everything inside of me just said, "yes." I just looked at him. You know, I just had this feeling that I was home.
Jess: That is very beautiful... And very, very vague and not helpful at all.
Cece: I do know you can't avoid Sam all night.

Coach: Guess who's back?
All: Coach!
Coach: [laughing] It's me.
Jess: Coach!
Coach: Yeah.
Jess: I thought you got in tomorrow.
Coach: I got on a plane, dropped May off at the hotel and now I'm ready to party! I had six wines on the plane!

Jess: So that's basically how you play true American.
Sam: Yeah, it makes no sense whatsoever.
Jess: Oh.
Sam: Look, I'm just gonna get this over with. Um... Jess, I want to break up...
Jess: I can't marry you.
Sam: With you.
Jess: Oh.
Sam: What?
Jess: So... I really can't marry you.

Jess: Hey, I hope... I hope Diane really likes the ring.
Sam: What ring?
Jess: The ring in your jacket pocket.
Sam: I don't have a ring in my jacket pocket. I have a ring in my jacket pocket.
Jess: Yeah.
Sam: This isn't mine. "To Susan. Love Louise."
Jess: Oh, my god, it's engraved? How did I miss this? And the font is huge. So Schmidt's mom and her girlfriend are getting married.
Schmidt: They're what? Ma? Ma?! Are you proposing to your friend Susan? Ma?!

Jess: So sorry for ruining your engagement. I'm sure you didn't plan a joint celebration with a man wearing a beer can crown and pillows on his shoes.
Coach: Jealous 'cause I'm the true American.
Louise: We're sorry we left the ring in your room. That's what we get for fooling around in your bed.
Susan: Something about those high ceilings. We just like tossing each other around.
Jess: Hello!
Schmidt: Oh, God.

Jess: Hey, quick show of hands, god. Who's had sex in Winston's room?
[Louise and Susan raise their hands]
Sam: Well, I've had sex in your room.
Jess: I know.
[Schmidt and Cece raise their hands]
Jess: What?!
[Coach raises his hand]
Jess: Everyone's had sex in my room?
Coach: I got weird in there.
Nick: I've gotten weirder in there than you have.
Jess: Really?
Coach: Those pillows. There's just, Like, extra, like... Pressure.

Schmidt: Cece? Babe, what's wrong?
Cece: It's just that you're gonna have two moms at the wedding, and I'm not even gonna have one. I really thought that... I really thought that she would just show up last-minute 'cause she would know how happy it would make me. [sniffles] I don't know why I'm crying in here. Jess' room is meant for sex.
Schmidt: I know. Come here.