Jess: Oh, hey, guys, you have any hair you want removed?
Schmidt: I must respectfully decline such a horribly depressing invitation. Going on a date with Elizabeth tonight. I haven't had sex with her since I was fat and accessing my penis was like getting the remote control out of the couch. Now I know things, and I own things. Like this.
Jess: What is that?
Cece: Oh, my God, that poor girl.
Schmidt: This is the Archduke. The crowning achievement of the German Institute of Female Pleasure.
Winston: Dude, this thing takes sixteen single A batteries?
Cece: I thought I threw that thing out the window.
Schmidt: That only made it stronger.