Jess: So then Pete says to...
Coach: Allen Iverson.
Jess: "...you want to keep sportsing on the..."
Coach: Grizzlies.
Jess: "...but if you want me to show you the money, then..."
Coach: You gotta finish your career off with the '76ers!
Jess: [chuckles] And it was classic Pete.
Val: It's so nice to remember work as more than just a thing that kept Pete on the phone all the time.
Jess: You're very welcome.

Louise Schmidt: I don't understand. The couch looks good here though, doesn't it? It opens up the whole room.
Nick: Louise, I think what your boy is trying to say is...
Louise Schmidt: Shut it, Nick. Honey, why do you hang out with him? You know Nancy Borkow? Her son just moved to L.A. He wrote a movie script for the movies. I can connect you. You need better friends!
Schmidt: Enough, Mom! You don't get to choose my friends! You don't get to choose anything! Because this is my life! It's my dream and nothing's gonna stop me now! It feels like that's from something. It feels like, it feels like it's from a movie or something.
Nick: [sings] My life
Schmidt: Yeah, I think it's a song.
Nick: It's a song. Like some sort of song, right?
Louise Schmidt: It's the Perfect Stranger theme.

Winston: Aly, what are you doing here?
Aly: I just wanted to explain. Look... I hung out a lot with my last partner. And we got close and...
Winston: You shot him?
Aly: What?
Winston: He died?
Aly: No.
Winston: Oh, my goodness... is he...? Did he survive?
Aly: What are you talking about?
Winston: How did you partner die?
Aly: He didn't die!

Winston: Okay, Schmidt. All right, Schmidt. Who's this guy?
Schmidt: I don't know, Winston. It's too far away, I can't tell.
Winston: Uh... enhance, enhance, enhance... Okay, too far, too far. Dehance, dehance.
Schmidt: Scott Rubenstein!
Nick: Scott Rubenstein.
Schmidt: My mom's CPA.
Aly: Scott Rubenstein... deceased.
Schmidt: Yes!
Nick: Love the dead ones.

Nick: Ta-da!
Schmidt: What do you mean? What is ta-da? We drove here together and parked before you covered my eyes. What is the surprise investment, Nick?
Nick: The bar. Mike's selling us ten percent.
Mike: I really need the cash. I got swindled by a young gay roller skater. A rink twink.
Schmidt: I know what a rink twink is, Mike.

Jess: Turns out that Pete had a very good excuse for not showing up. He died.
Coach: What?
Winston: [sings] Just got out of the shower Guess who cleaned everything? Guess who got in deep? [talks] What?

Nick: Hey, Schmidty, vamos. I want to show you a surprise investment opportunity.
Schmidt: Surprise, Nick? I'm telling you right now, if it is a boat, I'm gonna be so psyched! I literally just got new boat shoes.

Coach: Just don't go. 'Cause if you go, then I'm gonna feel weird about not going, and I ain't going.
Cece: Yeah, just come and have a mani-pedi with me.
Jess: I'm going; it's the right thing to do.
Coach: Oh, so if I don't go, I'm a bad person now?

Winston: Hey, Aly, uh, want to grab a beer after work?
Aly: Ooh... Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. [groaning] Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya. Ooh. [humming] [grunting] [clicking tongue] Uh, ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. No.
Winston: Oh, come on.
Aly: Not work related, not interested, Bishop. We're professionals, not friends.

Schmidt: Oh, God. Here we go. Showtime. Mama!
Louise Schmidt: No! I was meeting my little boy, not this handsome movie star. What are you doing with these? Why would you hide your hazels? [laughs] Hi, sweetheart. Oh!
Nick: Hey, Louise, it's really good to see you.
Louise Schmidt: I bet it is; tape it down, Miller.
Nick: Tape it?
Louise Schmidt: Here, look at your baby brother. How handsome is Reggie? [holds up phone with a picture of her and a dog] Give him a kiss. Kiss your brother. Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss; he loves it. Kiss him, kiss him. Okay, give him a scratch. He loves a scratch. He loves a scratch.
Nick: Can I get an alcohol?