Schmidt: Okay, where'd you find that?
Nick: Do not ever stop reading this.
Schmidt: I was very young. And drunk.
Winston: Were you too drunk to "begin the search for the cocoon..."
Nick: Cocoon. [chuckles]
Winston: ...that will one day release your butterfly"?
Cece: No, it does not say that one!
Nick: That's number three.
Cece: Come on!

Schmidt: Why are you doing this to me?
Winston: Maybe I just got bored painting over your interplanetary ass dojo. This is my favorite. "Find out where Winston gets his sparkle, and then steal it."
Cece: Oh!
Nick: Steal his...!
Winston: You were gonna steal my sparkle?
Schmidt: Give me that.

Jess: Maybe no one's ever been nice to him. Maybe violence is his only tool to express himself. [waves] Hi.
Nick: Huh? Get down. What are you doing?!
Jess: Hi. Don't kill us. Don't use guns!
Nick: Stop it. Just stop it. Just get down. [to the man] We're sorry. Take the spot.
Jess: Sir...
Nick: Just be submissive.
Jess: Sorry about this guy.
Nick: Don't apologize...
Jess: He's overreacting.
Nick: I'm overreacting? He has a gun, and you're dressed like a bull's-eye. [the man puts his gun away]
Jess: Thank you, sir. Thank you.
Nick: I can't believe this is working.
Jess: Sorry.
Nick: You out-crazied a man with a gun.
Jess: Have a good day. [to Nick] See, it worked. You always see the worst in people.

Schmidt: Here we go again. Another text message from work. Look at that. "Tokyo call at 11:00?" This is driving me crazy! What is she trying to say?
Winston: I'm not an expert at your industry at all, but, um, sounds like there's a call. From Tokyo. Sometime today. Oh, wait. At 11:00.
Schmidt: You don't understand. I've been getting a lot of mixed signals from my boss lately.
Winston: What is wrong with you? The world is not out to seduce you.
Schmidt: "And bring me the budget reports." Why can't she just say what she wants? What kind of sick game is she playing?
Winston: It's all in your head, man. It's always in your head.

[flashback at a coffee shop:]
Barista: Nonfat vanilla latte.
Schmidt: We're not talking about coffee... are we?
[flashback in the elevator:]
Woman: Three, please.
Schmidt: Are you sure you want me to... stop at three?
[flashback to Schmidt answering the door to a delivery man:]
Deliveryman: I have a package for Schmidt.
Schmidt: Sir, I'm very flattered, but I must decline.
[present:]
Schmidt: He said he had a package for Schmidt.

Jess: Oh, you're always starting fights with everyone, Nick. I mean, not everyone's out to get you.
Nick: He had a gun, Jess! He was literally out to get me.
Jess: Isn't Nick the most negative person you've ever met?
Schmidt: Absolutely, and you know what? It all pools up right in that little satinous center below his belly button.
Winston: I mean, he's not wrong, though. His life is genuinely terrible.
Nick: You know what, Jess? I guess I don't live in a world where I smile, and people do what I want them to do.
Jess: You never smile.
Nick: A smile is a sign of weakness.

Jess: Knock, knock. Mr. Landlord? Um, I know you probably think cupcakes are totally lame. I know I do, so if you could do me a solid and take care of those extras? Cool office. I like your... bucket of... gasoline. It's super practical. What you got there?
Remy: Broom.
Jess: So, I live in, um, Four D... There are a lot of real safety hazards in our loft. Nothing a little landlording couldn't fix. What do you say?
Remy: No.
Jess: [points to drawing] That's a sweet picture. How old are your kids?
Remy: I did that. It's me and my ex-wife.
Jess: Okay, you know what? Um... My roommates are really scared of you, but I know you're a good man, and I know you don't want the four of us living in a dangerous apartment. The four of you?
Remy: Apartment Four D, there's only supposed to be three people.
Jess: Oh, did I say four? You know what? I was counting myself twice. It's so easy to do. Big personality over here, so... gonna go... [mutters]

Remy: Good God, what is this? Why would you do this?
Winston: This was Schmidt's room, okay? He painted this.
Schmidt: It is a sexually-charged, zero-gravity tea ceremony.
Remy: Paint over it! Or you pay for it.
Nick: He's fair.
Jess: Who painted that?
Schmidt: Giancarlo.
Nick: Some creepo Schmidt was obsessed with. He used to wear a le...
Schmidt: [to Winston] I suggest you paint it, and you paint it fast! Have fun, buddy.

Jess: So, what's up? Ready to admit you were wrong? [mocking] "Hello. My name is Nick, and I like eating crow."
Nick: That man wants to sleep with you.
Jess: No, he doesn't.
Nick: Yes, he does.
Jess: He was just showing me how to close a closet.
Nick: Okay, anytime a man shows a woman how to do something from behind, it's just an excuse for him to get really close and breathe on her neck. Watch any sports movie.

Jess: You always see the worst in people!
Nick: Yeah, because people are the worst!
[flashback:]
Young Nick: Oh, five bucks! Look out, college. Here I come! [laughs]
[A man runs by, takes Nick's money and pushes him into the bushes]
Young Nick: That's it. People stink!
[present:]
Jess: You must have been doing something.
Nick: Are you seriously defending the man who pushed me into the bushes?