Jess: Well, people can be good. You just have to give them a chance to show you.
[flashback to a very young Jess walking down the street as a van approaches:]
Man: Hey, little girl. You like candy?
Young Jess: I sure do!
Man: Great! My nana made way too much!
[A sweet old woman opens the side door and hands Jess a bag of candy]

Schmidt: [to Cece] Oh, come on. Don't you ever wear jeans? Honestly, you look like you should be distracting James Bond at a baccarat table.
Cece: No, I'm actually gonna go meet Kyle. Jess loaned her seasickness bracelets. Going to a party on Greg Kinnear's boat.
Schmidt: You're going to a party on Neptune's Folly?
Cece: Yeah, relax. He's not going to be there.
Schmidt: I know, he's in Rio till the 16th.

Schmidt: Cece, can I talk to you, as a... as a woman?
Cece: All right, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Okay. My boss and I, we're running a Pre-Sex Marathon right now, and I feel like we're stuck in mile 25. I'm cramping, Cece, my toenails are falling off, I'm peeing down my leg, it's like I can see the finish line, but I just can't get there.
Cece: I need to put one of these on right now.
Schmidt: The problem is is we don't talk. I don't know what she's thinking. Should I make a move or not?
Cece: Stop asking permission and go get it. That's what I would want. There's nothing less sexy than a dude asking if he can kiss you.
Schmidt: Nothing? I mean, what if I ate my own hair and pooped out a wig? What if I called my mom after sex to describe it to her? What if I had a croissant blog?
Cece: Two of these now.

Schmidt: Hey, Bob Ross, how's painting going?
Winston: Going absolutely fantastic, Schmidt, because everything is easy... "when you are a battleship, invading the Bay of Success."
Cece: What?
Winston: I have here Schmidt's New Year's resolutions from 2007.
Cece: Oh, please, read on.
Nick: Read my favorite one.
Winston: "Stop pursuing Caroline. She's Nick's girl. Deal with it."
Nick: "Deal with it." She's my girl.

Schmidt: Hey, Kim? Look, I just wanted to apologize for yesterday. I hope you didn't get into too much trouble, I just... I really don't want to lose my job, okay? I've worked at Associated Strategies for six years. Nothing means more to me than Ass Strat.
Kim: Your lip is bleeding.
Schmidt: It opens back up when I talk. Look... Kim, this wasn't your standard 2:00 a.m. mistaken assault in the parking garage. I've had a thing for you every since I was the husky kid in the mailroom. And if... if you don't believe me... here you go. Straight from '07. Read resolution number four. It's about you.
Kim: "Only think about hot new C.F.O. Every other time I masturbate."
Schmidt: I did not live up to the challenge.
Kim: Number seven: "Start floating idea that people call me Mr. Finish/Game Time Jones/The Hook-up-erator."
Schmidt: Can I...?
Kim: Number nine: "Just pick a color of Crocs and buy them already."
Schmidt: Okay, thank you.

Nick: Hey, hey, hey, man, this is my spot. I was here first!
Man: That's my space, huh?
Nick: This isn't Europe! Move!
Jess: Come on. Come on, Nick. Maybe he's a really nice guy. He's just having a bad day.
Nick: I don't care if he's a nice guy.
Man: Get that piece of crap out of my space.
Nick: Come on, dude. Why don't you come in here, take my pants off and kiss my ass? [the man pulls out a gun] Oh!
Jess: Oh, my God!
Man: What do you got to say now? Huh?
Jess: Oh, my God, it's like The Wire!
Nick: He has a gun. He has a gun. Stay down. Oh, my God. You still think he's a nice guy, Jess?

Schmidt: Hey, Kim, where should I put this... budget... report?
Kim: On the desk.
Schmidt: Yeah, um, okay. I'll just... Thanks. So...
Kim: Schmidt, my files need sorting. Do it here... so I can watch.
Schmidt: Okay. So, you want me to... sort... your files? Is that right? [licks folder]
Kim: What are you doing?
Schmidt: What am I...? Hmm? Okay. Because I probably got this one wet, so I'm gonna re... I'm just gonna replace all of them.

Jess: Hey, guys. I've got a fun exercise. I'd like everybody to take a moment and think back to a time when they did something stupid, how they were treated, and how they wish they were treated.
Nick: What did you do, Jess?
Remy: [o.s.] Open up!
Nick: Did you talk to the landlord?
Jess: Little bit.

Remy: [to Nick & Winston] Brad. Coach.
Schmidt: [heavy accent] Oh. Hello. Ginny! I had such nice time visiting Los Angeles. It's so many fancy people with their fancy lives. Oh. Hollywood! Oh. Oh, good-bye. [exits]
Nick: Bye, Ginny.

Schmidt: Oh. Hello. Train to Panama all sold out. Must be the Mardi Gras.