Cece: Okay, here's the plan. I am going to fix your makeup, and then we ride this thing out.
Jess: Oh, I've got a plan.
Cece: What?
Jess: Check this out. This is gonna be good.
Cece: What is happening?
Jess: Or strap on a spare patch, and Nick marries a sexy fly. [buzzing]
Cece: I'm just gonna remove this.

Russell: Jess.
Jess: Russell! How the hell are you?
Russell: Good. You, look, um... Gosh.
Jess: Mmm, did you have some cake yet?
Russell: Uh, tons of it at my house, but that's my issue.

Aly: [groaning loudly]
Jess: Did I make that sound with my mind?
Cece: You okay, Aly?
Aly: Mm-hmm, I'm fine. I just swallowed a wasp, and it stung me inside of my throat a bunch of times. I don't see what the big deal is. Please stay away from me!

Nick: Merle said he's not publishing Chicago Hobo, and then a bird pooed on me.
Schmidt: What do you mean, he won't publish it?
Winston: Where's the bird? I'll poo on him.
Nick: Those two things happened back-to-back. That's a curse.
Schmidt: Stop being such a goy boy. You go find Merle, and you tell him that you are not writing another Pepperwood until he publishes Chicago Hobo.

Schmidt: You know, you and I... we make a good combination. Winston and Schmidt.
Winston: Mm-hmm.
Schmidt: I set 'em up, you...
Winston: And I set 'em up.
Schmidt: All right.

Winston: How'd it go?
Nick: Good, good, good. He told me to go to hell and that he's not gonna publish Pepperwood anymore, and I basically lost my job, so...
Winston: Mm.
Nick: [slurps] Uh... Curses are real, people! They are real!

Russell: You feeling better?
Jess: Yeah, yeah. The fresh air's really helping.
Russell: We're in a stairwell.
Jess: Ugh. You must think I'm the worst for going elbow deep in the ganj.
Russell: Nah. In fact, I was high for, well, all my weddings. Whatever gets you down the aisle.
Jess: Well, I seduced Nick last night. I lured him into my bridal chambers, and now we're getting evicted, my eye looks like ground beef, and I cursed our marriage.
Russell: You believe in curses?
Jess: Not normally, but I just want to know that Nick and I are safe, and no cartoon anvil's gonna fall out of the sky and crush us to smithereens.

Jess: Is that crazy?
Russell: No, but maybe it's not signs and curses you're worried about. Maybe it's the relationship? I mean, maybe, deep down, you know you and Nick aren't right for each other.
Jess: Wait, what?
Russell: What are you running from? Here I am, sitting with an amazing, beautiful, smart woman on her wedding day, and she's stoned and wearing an eye patch, and sitting in a dank stairwell with her ex. You want to talk about signs, that's a sign.
Jess: A sign of what?
Russell: Don't marry Nick. Be with me. Jess. I love you.
Jess: Oh, boy.

Russell: Look. When you first started working, I thought I was gonna be fine, I was over it, and then the more time we spent with each other, it just all came rushing back.
Jess: And you're choosing to tell me this now? We've been together literally every day for the past week and a half.
Russell: Yeah. I shouldn't be telling you any of this, but I also know that if I didn't, I'd regret it forever.
Jess: Russell, I am in love with Nick, 100%, okay? This is not puppy love. This is old-ass dog love.
Russell: Do you remember your first date with Nick? You ran into me... sign... and I asked you both to write down what you meant to each other on the back of some valet ticket.
Jess: You kept those?
Russell: I think you should look at those before you get married. Neither of you were ever sure about this, not really. Not deep down. Jess, be with me. Let me give you the life you deserve. Let me make you happy.

Winston: What you think you're doing, Russell, huh?
Schmidt: Don't you have enough wives, you slut?