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Table 34

‘Table 34’

Season 2, Episode 16 -  Aired February 5, 2013

Jess and Nick try to avoid each other after their kiss, but they end up attending an Indian singles event with Cece and Schmidt.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Schmidt, Table Seven, Table Seven.
Schmidt: What're you doing? You're at Table Seven, too? Hmm?
Jess: I'm at Table Seven. What?
Schmidt: Well, you should feel complimented. I feel slightly insulted.
Jess: What?
Schmidt: No offense.
Jess: A lot of offense taken.
Schmidt: Well, I'm just saying-
Jess: A lot.


Quote from Jess

Sam: This is a weird date. I always thought we'd go bowling before we went to an Indian marriage convention.
Jess: What table are you at?
Sam: Uh, Table One, I think.
Jess: Table One?! It's almost like you save lives or something. Oh, wait, you do.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Jess, you liked kissing me! It's fine to say that.
Jess: No, I didn't.
Nick: I'm not on my knee asking you to marry me; It was a nice kiss.
Jess: You were like a dog and my mouth was like a bowl full of dog milk!
Nick: It was like a damn fairy tale, that kiss! It was the best kiss of your life.
Jess: Are you serious, Nick?
Nick: And you have to take a little responsibility, tarting around in that little soft pink robe, not expecting to get kissed.
Jess: Tarting around?
Nick: I'm a man, Jessica!
Jess: What?
Nick: Pink robes are my catnip.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Is this making you feel better at all? [dances]
Jess: I just wanted to listen to Taylor Swift alone!
Nick: How's that?
Jess: You know when you get dumped and you're, like, racking your brain for what was it that I did wrong? Well, this is a really unique situation in that I don't have to do that.
Nick: Well, what happened? I'm sorry. I know what. I know that it's my fault. I didn't mean it like... Jess, can I say something that'll potentially not help this situation?
Jess: No.
Nick: I've never been a home-wrecker. And I liked it. I mean, Sam was threatened by me. I mean, I see that as a victory. But in-in more important uh, ways, a huge, huge, devastating loss. For you. Should I call Cece? This feels like Cece territory. This isn't Nick territory. This is, uh... Look, Jess I'm sorry, okay, that I kissed you. But I shouldn't have done it, because it was obviously a mistake, and now you're crying and I won't do it again.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Well maybe it was a little bit broken to begin with.
Nick: What happened?
Jess: He just- He always wanted to fist bump in the morning.
Nick: And you didn't like that?
Jess: I hated it.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Excuse me? Uh, I didn't get assigned a table. Now, I know exactly what this is about...
Anu: But I did assign you a seat. This one. Lap number one.
Winston: Okay, so this is not a racial thing?
Anu: Not yet, it isn't.
Winston: Ah. I see what's happening here. You're feeling my mojo.
Anu: You look like a jumpy cat, and I like that. Ooh, I like that. [grabs Winston's ass] Like oversized blueberries.
Winston: Mojo off. Mojo off.

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