Jess: Schmidt, Table Seven, Table Seven.
Schmidt: What're you doing? You're at Table Seven, too? Hmm?
Jess: I'm at Table Seven. What?
Schmidt: Well, you should feel complimented. I feel slightly insulted.
Jess: What?
Schmidt: No offense.
Jess: A lot of offense taken.
Schmidt: Well, I'm just saying-
Jess: A lot.

Sam: This is a weird date. I always thought we'd go bowling before we went to an Indian marriage convention.
Jess: What table are you at?
Sam: Uh, Table One, I think.
Jess: Table One?! It's almost like you save lives or something. Oh, wait, you do.

Nick: Jess, you liked kissing me! It's fine to say that.
Jess: No, I didn't.
Nick: I'm not on my knee asking you to marry me; It was a nice kiss.
Jess: You were like a dog and my mouth was like a bowl full of dog milk!
Nick: It was like a damn fairy tale, that kiss! It was the best kiss of your life.
Jess: Are you serious, Nick?
Nick: And you have to take a little responsibility, tarting around in that little soft pink robe, not expecting to get kissed.
Jess: Tarting around?
Nick: I'm a man, Jessica!
Jess: What?
Nick: Pink robes are my catnip.

Nick: Is this making you feel better at all? [dances]
Jess: I just wanted to listen to Taylor Swift alone!
Nick: How's that?
Jess: You know when you get dumped and you're, like, racking your brain for what was it that I did wrong? Well, this is a really unique situation in that I don't have to do that.
Nick: Well, what happened? I'm sorry. I know what. I know that it's my fault. I didn't mean it like... Jess, can I say something that'll potentially not help this situation?
Jess: No.
Nick: I've never been a home-wrecker. And I liked it. I mean, Sam was threatened by me. I mean, I see that as a victory. But in-in more important uh, ways, a huge, huge, devastating loss. For you. Should I call Cece? This feels like Cece territory. This isn't Nick territory. This is, uh... Look, Jess I'm sorry, okay, that I kissed you. But I shouldn't have done it, because it was obviously a mistake, and now you're crying and I won't do it again.

Jess: Well maybe it was a little bit broken to begin with.
Nick: What happened?
Jess: He just- He always wanted to fist bump in the morning.
Nick: And you didn't like that?
Jess: I hated it.

Winston: Excuse me? Uh, I didn't get assigned a table. Now, I know exactly what this is about...
Anu: But I did assign you a seat. This one. Lap number one.
Winston: Okay, so this is not a racial thing?
Anu: Not yet, it isn't.
Winston: Ah. I see what's happening here. You're feeling my mojo.
Anu: You look like a jumpy cat, and I like that. Ooh, I like that. [grabs Winston's ass] Like oversized blueberries.
Winston: Mojo off. Mojo off.