Nick: Table 34! We're at the same table!
Cece: So this is rock bottom.
Nick: I mean, call me crazy, but I think we're all getting married tonight.
Cece: Yeah, um...
Nick: The money table right here, Table 34!

Schmidt: Hey! M. Night Shyamalan. I got a twist ending... Shut up!
Man: What do you want, Table Seven?
Cece: Schmidt, just talk to your girl.
Woman: Hi!
Schmidt: You better watch it, buddy. 'Cause I will, I will Cal-cut-a-bitch up in here. I will Cal-cut-a-bitch.

Cece: You know why we're at Table 34?
Nick: 'Cause we're both bad at life, but we have model good looks.
Cece: It's 'cause we don't think things through. You didn't think it through when you kissed Jess. She told me. It's like we just make these impulsive decisions, and all we end up doing is hurting other people.

Nick: Sam, hear me out. I kissed her, okay? She didn't kiss me. It didn't mean anything to her.
Jess: Thank you. [Sam punches Nick in the throat] Oh, my God!
Sam: I'm sorry, Nick. It's the training.
Jess: He's in such terrible shape! You could've killed him.
Nick: [high-pitched] I'm gonna kick your ass, man.
Sam: Jess, it may not have meant something to you, but it meant something to me.
Nick: Is there another doctor in the house?! With this crowd, I'm sure.
Sam: I'm done. So Good-bye, Jess.
Jess: No. Sam.
Sam: Ice it, 24 hours. And keep it elevated.
Nick: He even exits cool.

Schmidt: Okay, you don't all have to run over there at once. I mean, she she's not that great, you guys. I mean, she's kind of old. You should see her areolas. One's like a helicopter pad, the other one's like a, you know, like like a tick bite. It's freaky. Very disorienting.

Cece: Thank you for what you said up there. You know, I got a lot of phone numbers.
Schmidt: Good.
Cece: I think I'm gonna go on a lot of dates.
Schmidt: I think that's a great thing. Good.
Cece: Yeah. The plan hasn't changed; I am still marrying an Indian guy.
Schmidt: No, yeah, that's fine. But you went home with a Jew in a turban, so I'm just saying.

Cece: God, I have missed this.
Schmidt: Turban on? Turban off?
Cece: I'm gonna hate myself for saying this, but turban on.
Schmidt: Turban on it is.
Cece: Uh-uh.
Schmidt: Taking that magic carpet ride. Yeah? No?
Cece: Shut up! Whoo!

Jess: Hey, Sam, um I have to tell you something.
Sam: How do you always look so beautiful in the morning? Sometimes I can't even look at you. I can't even-- I got to look away. I can't even look at you right now. Wait, but I got to. Now I got to look away. I just can't resist. Oh, geez. What were you gonna say?
Jess: Nothing. It was nothing.

Cece: Jess?
Jess: Nick kissed me.
Cece: Wha...?!

Cece: I mean, what are you gonna do? I mean, do you like Nick?
Jess: Ah! Bah! Mm-hmm. Nah! Neh? Nick? [laughs] No. I don't like Nick.
Cece: Mm-hmm.
Jess: I like Sam, 'cause Sam's the kind of guy who fixes things that you didn't even know were broken. And Nick is the type of guy who breaks things that are... He breaks things!