Winston: But if you guys are doing a little thing, then I could easily just...
Coach: Leave and check your test scores?
Winston: do a tandem session.
Steph: Oh, fun.
Winston: Right?
Steph: Coach, you should show him that ground stretch you did on me earlier. It was opening me up really nicely.
Winston: Yes, please. [laughs]
Coach: I don't wanna.
Winston: [grunts] Oh. This is amazing.
Coach: Oh.
Winston: I'm taking a little trip here, Coach. You know where I'm going.
Coach: Why do I keep looking down? I don't know.

Nick: This museum is my favorite place in Los Angeles.
Abby: Um... come on, Nick. Jess is making you babysit me, right?
Nick: Babysit you? [laughing] What? Like you're a little baby? No.
Abby: That's how you want to play this?
Nick: Well, I'm not "playing" it.

Nick: Can you make it happen?
Schmidt: I'm thinking.
Nick: Where are you at right... Like, is it kind of game...
Schmidt: Yeah. Just shh. I got it.
Nick: You do?
Schmidt: Yeah. No nonsense. Hey, Abby, look at me. Let's go get a taco.
Abby: Okay.
Nick: You got to be kidding.

Nick: Hey, you're not gonna tell Jess I told you about the apartment, right?
Abby: Hmm, I don't know. Maybe. We'll see.
Nick: It'd be cool if you... 'Cause...
Schmidt: Why don't you straighten things up with the museum?
Nick: Thank you. I appreciate that. It's only ten dollars! That's not gonna It's ten dollars! You snakes.

Coach: [to Steph] Follow through. Yeah, all right. Or else that creepy guy at the bar isn't gonna take his hand off your thigh.
Winston: Hands off my thigh, dude! [grunts, groans] Hands off my thigh, dude. [groans]
Coach: What are you doing, dude? Stop stalling. Check your score.
Winston: I'm not stalling.

Winston: Hey, what are you doing? No. Wait, what are you doing, dude?!
Coach: I'm checking it myself!
Winston: No! Come on, man! I said no, dude. No.
Coach: W...
Winston: What?
Coach: You failed.
Winston: [chuckles] I didn't even... You know, it's not even a... Yeah, it's not a big deal, so... You know, so... [walks away]
Coach: You should probably put a passcode on your phone, dude.

Jess: Okay, I'm gonna start secretly packing up some of her stuff. Do you think you can keep distracting her?
Nick: Yes, yeah, you know, just...
Jess: Good.
Nick: How do we distract her? How do you distract a woman like that? Probably a guy. [laughs] I mean, right? Who can we set her up with? Well, well, well, who do we have? Coach. [laughs] No. Winston...
Jess: That's actually kind of a good idea.
Nick: No! Schmidt!
Jess: That's a terrible idea.
Nick: But in the same sense...
Jess: Abby will wreck Schmidt!
Nick: Well, then luckily, the...

Jess: So, here's the plan. We're gonna have a nice dinner, we're gonna get her buzzed but not drunk. And then we're gonna casually and naturally bring up the apartment so she thinks it's her idea.
Nick: And I can do that, okay?
Jess: Okay, good. I'm glad.
Nick: I'll act cool, natural. Casual. Au naturel. Au casual.
Jess: You know what? Maybe I should write you some lines, pal.
Nick: Yeah, I'd really appreciate that 'cause... Maybe not a lot of words.

Jess: To our newest resident. The City of Angels has sprouted another pair of wings.
Nick: It's a majestic city, drenched in sunshine, that is actually just a collection of 75 different neighborhoods.
Abby: Wow, I had no idea. Please continue to tell me more.

Jess: As luck would have it, I actually know of a place in North Hollywood with great tile work. I said, "Great tile work."
Nick: Oh, for the first 12 months.
Jess: [laughs] I think what you really mean to say is there's an introductory offer for cable television.
Nick: That's it, yeah.
Schmidt: Cable's a scam, I tell ya. Sa..! Satellite.
Nick: What happened to no nonsense, Schmidt?
Schmidt: Satellite's where it's at. [whispering] Nonsense has the hands of an angel.
Jess: Okay, what's going on here?
Nick: I told Abby about the apartment, and now she's giving Schmidt a sp... a special.
Schmidt: Don't look at me. Just look away. Look away, look or look right at me.