Nick: This has been a whole day of lying and I can't take it. First I had to lie to Abby, and so I spilled the beans about the apartment. I'm sorry. And then I had to lie about Abby and Schmidt and the boning. And then the manipulating and the out-manipulating... That's lying! If you guys were just honest with each other for one second, none of this would have happened.

Jess: Okay. All right. Abby, I'm really sorry I tried to trick you, but I just want what's best for you. One of us has to!
Abby: You know, that is your problem. You think you're better than people and you always try to fix them.
Jess: No, I don't!
Abby: Yes, you do. You've done it your whole life. It's annoying.
Jess: You know what? Yes. Yes. I would like to fix you. No, I would love to fix you! But I'm done trying. Because you're not changing. And you don't think or care about other people at all, and I do. And that's why I don't want you living in this loft.
Abby: [scoffs] That's honest.

Abby: Well, lucky for you, I'm moving out.
Jess: Oh, thank God, Abby. Oh, my God. You're really gonna like this place. It's so nice-
Abby: I'm moving in with Schmidt.
Schmidt: What what's that, now? You're moving in with who? Seriously?
Abby: We would have sex all the time.
Schmidt: [chuckles] Dinner was lovely, you guys. Thank you so much. [they get up to leave]

Winston: What's up, my man? I took the test last week or should I say, I took the front part of the test last week and, sir, I am here to finish what I started.
Cop: What?
Coach: What he's trying to say is, he took the entrance exam, but he forgot to do the back half.
Cop: Well, the test is administered on a computer. There is no back.
Coach: You took the test on a computer?
Winston: I choked. I am a failure. I am a loser. I am never gonna amount to anything. I'm never gonna shoot somebody.
Coach: Dude. Have some dignity, all right?
Winston: Thank you for your time, sir.