Nick: Oh, this is hell?
Aly: Yes!
Nick: Then why don't you stay out of my business?!
Aly: That's all I'm trying to do, but you keep bringing me your business!
Nick: Ah, to hell with you! We're going to San Diego!
Aly: Fine!
Nick: Fine!
Aly: Go!
Nick: I'm going! Don't say anything.

Jess: Hey, Priscilla.
Bob Day: Oh, no, no, no, no.
Jess: Hi. I was wondering if you would like to get a decaf coffee and talk about local news with my dad.
Priscilla: Really, Bob? You want to take me out?
Bob Day: Ha, ha, ha, you...
Priscilla: Let's do it. Let's do it. Yeah, I have a new jean jacket I've been wanting to break out. It's stone-washed.
Bob Day: Okay. Okay.
Jess: Well, that was just about the cutest thing I've ever seen. Even though this morning I thought you were married.

Winston: Look, Schmidt, we both know there's only room for one Winston. And we found that out the hard way, didn't we? Homecoming weekend, 2002.
[flashback:]
Younger Schmidt: I'm Winston!
Younger Winston: I'm Winston!
Younger Schmidt: I'm Winston!
Younger Winston: I'm Winston!
Younger Nick: We can't live like this!
Younger Winston: Only one Winston.
Younger Schmidt: Body slam!
Younger Nick: Get off! Get off! You'll kill him!

Reagan: What is wrong with you?
Nick: What is wrong with me?
Reagan: Yeah.
Nick: The guy taking you to San Diego-- the Paris of Southern California?
Reagan: Okay.
Nick: You're losing it. I'm acting totally normal. You need a drink just to chill out.
Reagan: What is wrong with you?
Nick: Getting those drinks.

Cece: [on video chat] It's so weird to think of him dating again.
Bob Day: [o.s.] Oh! Oh...
Jess: Wait. What is that? It sounds like someone's moving a washing machine. Oh, my God, my dad's boning!
My dad's boning! My dad's boning!
Cece: Oh, my God, listen to me. Get out of the house. Get out of the house! [cans clattering loudly]
Bob Day: [o.s.] Jess? Is that you?
Jess: No. Yes. I mean, no, it's the cans. I just, um... Finish what you're doing. No, don't finish. I mean, everyone deserves to finish-- oh, God! [cans clattering] Oh, cans!

Bob Day: Can we talk about this?
Jess: Yeah, just one sec. I'm just replacing the sound of your skin slapping against someone else's with the sound of crushing metal.
Bob Day: I didn't know you were gonna be home. I thought you were gonna be out having a day.
Jess: And you were supposed to be having coffee. You just put out on the first date?
Bob Day: We had a connection. I-I think I'm in love with her.
Jess: Oh, my God, I need more cans. I got to have more cans.

Bob Day: Hey, you know, I'm a passionate guy. All right. [checks Rolodex]
Jess: What are you doing, Dad?
Bob Day: Well, I mean, you were nice enough to help me to move on. Now I'm gonna see if I can find somebody for you. Got it. My best friend Ray. His son John. Well, he's a little heavyset, but, you know, he makes a good living.
Jess: Dad, put the Rolodex down.

Schmidt: From now on, I will be Winston Schmidt, and he will be Winston Bishop.
Winston: We are both Winstons.
Aly: Wait, your first name is Winston? Did I know that?
Cece: No.
Aly: I have not slept in 36 hours.
Schmidt: Well, you should get some sleep. Isn't that right, Winston?
Winston: Oh, absolutely, Winston. Sleep is very important.
Schmidt: It is the most important, Winston.

Cece: Okay, this is already too much. In my head it wasn't this annoying. Winston, why don't you just go by "The Bish"?
Winston: I'm sorry, are you talking to me?
Cece: You know I'm talking to you.
Schmidt: I knew she was talking to you.
Winston: You knew the whole time?
Schmidt: Yeah.
Winston: Ooh, I couldn't tell.

Schmidt: Why didn't I know about this?
Nick: I don't know, Schmidt, 'cause you weren't around, I guess.
Schmidt: Well, actually, I'm Winston now. I'm using my first name again.
Nick: Uh... actually there can't be two Winstons. It nearly destroyed us.
Cece: Nick, hold up, can we go back to that moment where you jumped off a train?
Nick: Sure. You find that part interesting?