Schmidt: What do you want?
Winston: To be your friend. If you need the name Winston to get you to where you're going, then... I'm not gonna stand in your way.
Schmidt: You're a good friend. Uh, uh, what will I call you?
Winston: Well, I was gonna give Saint-Marie a whirl, but then I was like, nah, that's a girl's name. And I thought about Two-Shoes.
Schmidt: Two-Shoes.
Winston: Two-Shoes, yeah. But then, in certain shoes that I have, I have three of them, so... so I'm just gonna stick with The Bish.

Bob Day: Hey, hey, Jess, Jess! I've been trying to call you. I-I talked to Nick.
Jess: What?
Bob Day: He called looking for you, and... you know, oddly, I-I see what you see in him.
Jess: It doesn't matter. He has a girlfriend.
Bob Day: He and Reagan broke up. And you know something? I don't even think he realizes it, but he's still in love with you.

Nick: It's just crazy. You know, I was just driving down the...
Reagan: Mm-hmm. Sounds crazy.
Nick: Reagan.
Reagan: Yes?
Nick: I worked all day. We haven't seen each other. Don't you want to catch up?
Reagan: [sighs] Yes. [clears throat] Fine, what? What happened to you today?
Nick: I saw a seagull in the backseat of a moving car.
Reagan: Can we have sex now?
Nick: Ugh, you don't get it. Let's get it over with.

Cece: Jess needs us right now. She's still mopey over Nick.
Jess: [on video chat] I'm not mopey. I'm rad. I'm gleaming the cube.
Bob Day: She's lying. She's a wreck.
Jess: Ugh, Dad! Ugh, I'm on the phone! You're so embarrassing. All he does is just recycle cans all day. I wish his child bride would come back from Denver so he'd have someone else to bother.
Bob Day: Let's just get you out of this house.
Jess: Yeah, right.
Bob Day: Well, what are you going to do? You're gonna sit on this couch all day long? You'll get sofa butt. Come on, let's go get some ice cream.
Jess: Ugh, I hate ice cream. Dad!
Bob Day: Nobody hates ice cream.

Nick: I understand, but here it comes, I have to tell you.
Aly: I don't want to hear it.
Nick: Aly, I'm gonna tell you.
Aly: I swear to God.
Nick: I need to break up with Reagan but I don't know how to.
Aly: Damn it, Nick.
Nick: Oh, now you're involved. So now that you're involved, we need to talk it out 'cause we're basically partners in this.
Aly: We're not partners.

Nick: Hey, say, wake up. Question. Excuse me.
Aly: Yes, Nick?
Nick: Do you think that looks like a monster's butthole?
Aly: I kind of do, yeah.
Nick: Yeah, me, too. It's really gross.

Winston: What's going on, Schmidt? Man, are you having trouble ordering from that Jamaican restaurant again? I don't know how many times I got to tell you. Don't walk in there using their accent 'cause it's kind of racist.

Bob Day: Jess, are you still upset about Nick? You got to, you got to move past that.
Jess: It's hard. You don't know what it's like to be alone.
Bob Day: I do know what it's like. Ashley and I broke up.
Jess: What?! When?
Bob Day: Yeah. Yeah, about six months ago. Uh, but I-I didn't want to worry you.
Jess: Dad. It's my job to worry. Was it the 40-year age difference? Were you tired of waiters just asking again and again if it was a daddy-daughter dinner? Sorry, no, that's not...

Reagan: Oh, no. Hey, Nicky, what's up?
Nick: Uh, I can wait.
Reagan: No, it's okay, go ahead, I'm sorry.
Nick: I want to tell you... [mouths]
Reagan: What?
Nick: I said what I needed to say.
Reagan: Nothing came out of your mouth.
Nick: I feel like we're on a train.
Reagan: Where are we going?

Nick: We're going to San Diego.
Aly: What?
Nick: I panicked and it just came out. Let me tell you something, sister, your plan didn't work.
Aly: This wasn't my plan.
Nick: Well, you brought up trains, didn't you? And you got in my head. San Diego part? Well, that's on me.
Aly: I'm not engaging with you over this.
Nick: So, what do we do now?
Aly: I don't know, Nick. I've never experienced a person trying to break up with someone, and instead inviting them on a beach vacation.