Schmidt: But if there's anything that majoring in marketing with a minor in theater studies has taught me, it's that everybody has a brand. Nick, your brand is gypsy alcoholic handyman. Winston, your brand is Winston. Nicholas, Winstoniel, I'm staging an event to relaunch the Schmidt brand. It's going to happen this Saturday night, and it is going to be epic.
Nick: You're having a party to tell girls you're ready to have sex again?
Schmidt: Not a party; A rebranding event.
Nick: Please tell me there's not a theme.
Schmidt: There most certainly is a theme ... it is a secret that will be announced on the night.
Nick: I bet it's danger.
Schmidt: No, you're... you're wrong. It's not danger. It'll be announced on the night.
Nick: I really think It's going to be danger.
Winston: I'm going to go with danger.
Schmidt: Come on, man, it's not danger. Stop guessing danger.

Nick: How you doing, kid?
Jess: Great. My boobs are loving this unemployed thing. They don't have to go to boob jail every day. [laughs] Job hunt is on. This hospital Web site says I can earn up to $700, and all I have to do is be infected with dengue fever.

Jess: Hi. I got laid off.
Nick: What? Are you serious?
Winston: Oh, my God. What happened?
Schmidt: Obama.