Schmidt: Look, we need to orchestrate a situation which allows us to put our best foot forward.
Winston: That's easy. We help 'em move.
Schmidt: Winston, Winston shh.
Winston: Why? It makes perfect sense.
Coach: Helping a girl move makes you come off as a doormat, you know what I mean?
Schmidt: Honey, honey, honey, just listen to Coach.
Coach: Baby, look, let us handle this, okay? You go help Cece with the text messages.
Winston: You know, maybe I will. Okay. But only because I really do enjoy helping people.
Schmidt: You're gonna be great, buddy.
Coach: You're gonna do good things, man.
Schmidt: You think we were too harsh on him?
Coach: He makes you. He does. Don't blame yourself.

Jess: You don't think about the future?
Nick: Can we not talk about this right now? Six hours ago, I was lapping cognac out of Winston's hands.
[flashback:]
Winston: Drink it up, Checkers. Forget what you saw.
[present:]
Nick: Never talk about anything serious when you're hungover, Jess.

Cece: Guys, will you, um, look at this follow-up text that I'm sending to Buster?
Coach: It's for the little boy?
Cece: Try to be helpful, okay?
Schmidt: What are we looking at here?
Coach: Are those nursing cats?
Cece: Winston said it was funny.
Schmidt: It's not. It's incoherent. It's borderline pornographic.
Coach: Wait, those are not cats. That's a human man! What is he suck... What is he sucking on?
Schmidt: What Web sites are you going to?

Winston: You know, it was my idea to help move.
Coach: The only reason we're doing this is because you forced us to. If we don't help now, we'll look bad.
Schmidt: Yeah, now they're gonna think of us as "nice" and "helpful." Nightmare.

Coach: Oh, cool! Uh, your brother?
Laurie: Actually, it's my boyfriend.
Schmidt: Yet he's not here to help you move.
Laurie: He's out of the country.
Coach: Oh!
Laurie: Afghanistan. Second tour.
Coach: Ah.
Schmidt: Please thank him for, uh, for his service.

Coach: And then there was one.
Schmidt: May the best man win.
Winston: I am also involved in this.
Schmidt: Winston, get out of here. What is your problem?
Winston: And then there were three guys.

Jess: My kids are not gonna beg for an education, okay? They're gonna be forced to go to school just like everybody else and they're gonna hate it!
Nick: Can I actually be very real with you for a second?
Jess: Yes.
Nick: Here's what I really believe: You can create a plan for your life, and then crazy things get thrown at you, and that, by the way, is the closest thing that I have to a plan. So maybe it's crazy to talk about being an intergalactic truck driver. But what I think is crazier is trying to plan every single detail of our future.
Jess: I think it's crazy not to. I just can't live that way.
Nick: I guess we just disagree.
Jess: Well, we never agree on anything, ever, Nick.

Nick: Yeah, right. Like we're just gonna break up!
Jess: Just break up!
Nick: Over what?
Jess: You don't like lakes, I don't like space. That's okay!
Nick: This is not why people break up!
Jess: I break up with thee, sir!
Nick: [bad Australian accent] I break up... I don't do voices.
Jess: I think I'm still drunk.

Nick: All right, well, first hurdle: the instructions are written upside-down. Ah, it's a false alarm.
Jess: Okay, hit me. What do you got?
Nick: Okay, take the thing that looks like a meth lab.
Jess: This thing?
Nick: And put it in the thing that looks like a pipe bomb. Oh, hey!
Jess: Hey! Now we're cooking with gas.

Jess: And you know what? If you want to be a long-haul trucker, I can deal with that for six months, tops.
Nick: Yes!
Jess: Um, this piece is a little sticky, but I think I can just jam it. Ah!
Nick: What did you just do, Jess?
Jess: Oh. Well, I put the swastika in the guillotine.
Nick: How is this a children's toy?