Schmidt: I will knock you out where you stand, and you in the ground.
Coach: I will pound you from the side! I will pound you from the back! That sounded weird.
Schmidt: Once again, Schmidt has found himself in a position where he is infuriated!
Coach: I will fight your face!
Schmidt: I will freak out so hard on you right now, you don't even know, on your face.

Nick: Well, why did we take the toy out of the box? We could have just given the box to the kid. What does he know? He's one. He eats pennies. And he poos in his pants.
Jess: Because not putting the toy together is lazy.

Jess: Why didn't you put the toy together when I gave it to you two weeks ago?
Nick: Because I'm not Santa Claus! I don't just put toys together two weeks in advance! And also, it's none of my business what they want to do with the toy. Maybe they want to return it. Maybe they want to put it together as a family. That is not my business. What do you want from me, Jess?
Jess: I just want you to take a little more responsibility. Just a little bit more.
Nick: And I want you to have a little faith in me! I've gotten this far in my life. And I'm doing just fine. I mean, for the most part. There's definitely a few blunders here and there that we could look past.
Jess: Whatever... The blanket's on fire!

Nick: Go get a bucket.
Jess: Where is it? In the kitchen?
Nick: No, that's for meat. We need a different bucket.
Jess: Oh, right! The famous meat bucket!
Nick: You said the meat bucket was a brilliant idea!
Jess: Why would I think an unrefrigerated bucket of meat was a good idea?!
Nick: To taste what meat tasted like before electricity!
Jess: Why would you want that?!
Nick: Why did you say it was brilliant!?
Jess: Because, Nick if I was always honest with you then we would never stop fighting.

Cece: Didn't all those texts really freak you out?
Buster: Oh, no, no, no, no. They freaked me out. I thought you were gonna murder me. You know, I called my mother, changed my locks. Then I kind of, you know, had a change of heart, and I thought, "Well, you know, I like this girl." I'd much rather just come and look at you with my eyes. And talk to you with my face. If you ever got off the damn phone.
Cece: Yeah.
Buster: Right?
Cece: I, mm-hmm. I understand.
Buster: Hi, Cece. How are you? Hungover?
Cece: Yes.
Buster: Would you like to come and get some pancakes?
Cece: Yeah, I could, I could use some pancakes.
Buster: It's gonna be a bouncy ride. My kangaroo's around the corner. [Cece laughs] But I did bring an extra helmet. You're lucky.

Jess: Nick, why is this so hard? I don't want to fight all the time.
Nick: I don't know, and it's awful. Do you ever miss when we were just friends, Jess? And there wasn't this pressure to be together and to be...
Jess: Be different people?
Nick: Yes. Be different people. I'm sorry, but I'm not that guy who's gonna put the toy together. That's just not me. I'm the kind of guy who's gonna leave it in the box.
Jess: I don't want you to be that guy. I-I want you to be yourself.
Nick: I want you to be yourself.
Jess: Are we...?
Nick: [laughs] No! I love you!
Jess: Well, I love you, too.
Nick: More than I've ever loved anybody.
Jess: But what if that's the only thing we have in common?
Nick: I miss my friend.
Jess: I really miss my friend, too.
Nick: So, what does that mean? Are we...?
Jess: Yeah.

Jess: Was that Saving Private Ryan?
Nick: It was. It was a hu-huge moment in that movie. And I just, I know this is a moment.