‘Mars Landing’
Season 3, Episode 20 - Aired March 25, 2014
Jess and Nick talk about their future as they struggle to assemble a children's toy. Meanwhile, Schmidt, Winston and Coach meet their new neighbors.
Quote from Nick
Jess: Here's what I'm saying: Reginald is way too shy to beg for an education. He's very sensitive, and when he's out on the horse, all he's doing is staring at leaves and writing poems about them.
Nick: Why do I have a horse? You know how many people are killed on a horse every year?
Jess: Hey! You're not listening to what I'm saying. What I'm saying is, I'm not gonna take Reginald out on the damn lake when you're out on your space truck.
Nick: We're not living by the lake. Why would I spend my hard-earned truck driver money on an Earth house?
Quote from Nick
Jess: You make up so much science fiction...
Nick: Science.
Jess: ...but you know nothing about science. Do you know what science is?
Nick: Okay, science is more of a belief than anything else.
Jess: No. Do you know what science is?
Nick: Yes. What you believe in.
Jess: Have you ever taken a science class?
Nick: I've taught two at a community college.
Jess: When did you teach science at a community college?
Nick: I made that up. I didn't think you were gonna fact-check me.
Quote from Schmidt
Coach: You see her blink at me?
Schmidt: Wait, you think that was a sex blink? That wasn't a sex blink.
Coach: That was definitely a sex blink, dude.
Schmidt: You would not know a sex blink if it blinked you in the sex.
Coach: What?
Quote from Coach
Schmidt: It's over already, man. You don't have a shot. 'Cause the chicks you pull are gremlins.
Coach: You did not just talk about my chicks. My chicks look great. Just like me. I'm saying my chicks literally look just like me. All of 'em. In varying color, but they look like me.
Schmidt: That is super awkward, and I don't feel like you know what you're saying right now.
Quote from Winston
Winston: Girls, I know you're both smart enough to know exactly who broke your things. It's the same two clowns who've been trying to sex Michelle every which way from Tuesday. I mean, I ain't gonna lie. I've been trying to sex you every which way from Tuesday myself. I'd be crazy not to, Michelle. You're a very beautiful woman. You have crazy witch eyes, and I dig it. You're like a witch! [laughs] You know. But I'm a good guy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a job to do. My name is Winston Bishop. Welcome to the building.
Quote from Schmidt
Schmidt: Jess? Jess, you didn't have to run away. I don't know what you're so afraid of. It's just a man doing full downward facing dog in the nude. It's a couple of testicles just hanging upside down. [quiet laugh] I can hear you laughing in there. Yeah, you liked it. You telling Nick about it? What's he saying?
Quote from Jess
Jess: We're all adults. What's the harm? We can do this with dignity, self-restraint, and dare I say - honour.
Winston: The game is True American.
Nick: One, two, three, four... JFK!
All: FDR!
Quote from Nick
Jess: [hoarsely] Hey, Nick. It's me, Jess. I have really bad news. We have to go to a one-year-old's birthday party.
Nick: I'm not interested in that birthday party. Thank you for the invitation. Good night.
Quote from Schmidt
Schmidt: I'm so hungover. Why today?
Winston: What? You think it went bad?
[flashback:]
Laurie: We're your new neighbors.
[Schmidt's mouth drops, sending his bagel to the floor]
Michelle: Um, I think y-your bagel fell out of your mouth.
Schmidt: I'm Jewish.
Quote from Coach
Coach: Why didn't you guys tell me I was still wearing ladies' sunglasses? I look like Magic Johnson's son, EJ.