Jess: When I was a kid, Yeah. Watching MTV, I thought that if I played my cards right, I could grow up to be Jenny McCarthy.
Nick: Jenny McCarthy? You?
Jess: Don't make that face. She was so beautiful with all that swearing, but you know what? I'm not Jenny McCarthy. I know that now. I'm back on the grid, Nick.

Nick: You know, I always wanted to be Kurt Loder.
Jess: Kurt Loder? He never even went to the Spring Break House. He was stuck in New York, talking to Pearl Jam.
Nick: He is the elder statesman of our generation.
Jess: Why are you making me a drink? You never bring work home.
Nick: All right, this is gonna sound really weird, but in the future I might do something really bad to you, and I hope you'll forgive me. Do you like old-fashioneds, Jess?
Jess: I've actually always wanted to try one. How did you know? [knock at the door] What are you gonna do to me?
Nick: I don't know. But it could be bad. Like me getting drunk and peeing in your closet on all your pretty dresses.
Jess: [laughs] I forgive you.
Nick: Imagine all that pee on your pretty dresses, Jess.
Jess: I still forgive you.

Sam: Hey.
Jess: Sam, hi.
Sam: Katie?
Jess: Not Katie.
Sam: Yeah, uh, I'm sorry to come over here unannounced. I didn't... I just wanted to tell you that I don't... I don't care that you lied to me. I lied, too. Half my profile is a lie. I am not a shy food blogger who wants a destination wedding in Scotland, okay? I don't open up the more you get to know me. I mean, I, you know, Internet date so I don't have to sleep with people I work with. I do like Creed, though.
Jess: I hate Creed.
Sam: I don't care what you like or what your name is, or... anything about you. And the good news is you don't have to care about me either. And we can still tear each other apart. What do you think?
Jess: You know what? I'm gonna say yes, I think. Yeah, let's do this. Um... Do we start now or later or now?