Schmidt: A lot of money that I want to deposit into your Tyra Banks.
Charmaine: [to Winston] If he touches your sister, I'm gonna stop paying your cell phone bill.
Schmidt: The L.A. Sparks. So many Sparks in one place, you're about to start the world's sexiest fire. Am I right?

Jess: Bearclaw, what are you...
Bearclaw: Yeah! Oh, you're so hot. Come here. [sighs, whispers] I can't wait to see your meat bar.

Jess: [on the phone] Nick, Nick. You gave my number to the wrong guy.
Nick: Wait, which one did you want me to give your number to?
Jess: Andy.
Nick: Andy is so boring.
Jess: Bearclaw just told me a ten minute joke about squirrels with the punch line, "eat these nuts."
Nick: Seriously, he is so awesome.

Bearclaw: Hey, I wanted... I wanted to tell you. When I, uh, I got your text from before, and I have figured out my sex character. And it's Sergeant Giddyap Carruthers. Hey, if we... if we make love later, and I tell you to pretend that I'm a scary ghost, are you gonna be weirded out by that?
Jess: Bearclaw, I'm sick.
Bearclaw: Oh.
Jess: In my... face.
Bearclaw: Oh, no, um, I've got an anal thermometer in my bag.
Jess: I'm really good at telling myself, and I think that I'm... I feel very feverish. I don't think I need the thermometer.

Schmidt: Alisha, have a drink with me.
Alisha: Schmidt, I only go out with guys who play basketball.
Schmidt: Well, let's play for it. I win, you have a drink with me. You win, I take you to brunch.
Charmaine: [to Winston] Shoot me.
Alisha: Schmidt, I'm a professional basketball player.
Schmidt: Yeah, and I'm a guy who works in marketing that wants to give it to you. We both have jobs; Get over it.

Nick: Jess or Katie?
Jess: Not now, Nicks.
Older Nick: Hey, tell her you're sorry.
Nick: What for?
Older Nick: You'll find out.
Nick: I mean, I'm sure I did something stupid, but what did I do?
Older Nick: You just tell her you're sorry.
Nick: What did I do?
Older Nick: You did something stupid. So tell her you're sorry.
Nick: Now I know why people get annoyed with me. It's hard to talk to us.

Bearclaw: Is there a woman in that bathroom being harmed?
Sam: No.
Bearclaw: I don't buy it. Get out of the way. I was trained for this. Now you're gonna get the Bearcl... Jess?
Jess: Hi, Bearclaw.
Bearclaw: I thought you were sick.
Jess: I'm feeling better.
Bearclaw: Why are you... if you're sick, why are nothing but your breasts covered, Jess? Are you a doctor, is that why? Are you a doc... is he a doctor?
Sam: Do you know these guys, Katie?
Andy: Who's Katie?
Nick: What is going on in... Jess?
Jess: No, Nick.
Nick: I... Katie?
Bearclaw: What is happening?!

Bearclaw: Liar! You... Liar!
Jess: I'm sorry, Bearclaw, but I meant Nick to give my number to Andy. Silver lining, you have a huge fan in Nick.
Nick: She's not good enough for you, Bearclaw. None of these people are good enough for you.
Jess: And, Sam, I'm sorry I stole you from real Katie, but ugh, look at you.
Bearclaw: He's so handsome.
Nick: Very handsome.
Jess: I'm only human.
Nick: You know what, Bearclaw? I would have take you to the bathroom, big guy.
Jess: He would've.
Andy: You guys are terrible people.

Bearclaw: I want to die.
Sam: Hey, hold on a second. Everyone just calm down. Are you really a dancer?
Nick: Are you an idiot, Sam?
Jess: Yes! Did I tell a lie? I did. But in my defense, I'm off the grid.
Nick: We're all off the grid. Hey, hey, we are all off the grid. Every single one of us, especially you, handsome.
Bearclaw: I loved you!
Jess: I think that's a little bit of an exaggeration.
Andy: You're gonna tell him how he feels after everything you've just done?
Nick: Why don't you shut up, Andy?
Jess: Yeah, shut up, Andy.
Andy: What is this, recess? Come on.

Nick: Nick, wait. Please. There's so much more I need to ask you.
Older Nick: I got to get back.
Nick: Why do I need to apologize to Jess? What did I do wrong?
Older Nick: Make her an old-fashioned. [chuckles]
[Older Nick climbs into a cardboard box]
Older Nick: Beep, beep, beep. Beep, beep, beep. Beep, boop, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. Beep, beep, boop, beep, ba, ba, ba, beep. [Nick groans] Beep, beep, boop, boop, boo.
Nick: I believed you.
[Older Nick emerges with a tinfoil hat on his head]
Older Nick: Olde England.
Nick: Have a good trip, man.